On Making the Boundaries Fuzzier

(Recommended to listen as you read for the full effect.)

You could be stressed with university applications but the thought of a final year trip with your friends sweetens your mind. You could be sad because of a life-changing unpredictable scenario that you are going through, but undertaking a creative project, like buying a colouring book and penciling through mandalas could make you scrunch your eyes in delight. Joining a community that runs every Saturday full of positive vibes and support for each other is exciting, even if that means kicking yourself out of bed at 5:30 am on a weekend. And no matter what you do, finally actively working towards publishing a book you have written, or beginning a YouTube channel, is going to make your stomach get entangled like spaghetti.

My relationship with writing is a pretty hot and cold one, only depending on how I feel about it. It is the least of my priorities and currently, at least, that is how I feel it should be. Which is why I am publishing a blog post after so long. But the big break that I took also geared me up again. There are so many new ideas I want to explore. The creative part of me is screaming to take up new projects and I just hope they actually materialise and leave me with being productive and happy. But this is fun, right? The fear of the unknown, coming back to something that you love after so long and feeling the energy and comfort, and all the things that you have learned or been through coming together to provide even more inspiration?

There are lots of times when you are feeling a particular feeling, and suddenly something happens which replaces it with the blossoming of another feeling. The excitement of something new beginning tends to be the replacement. I think excitement is the one thing that cannot be controlled or contained. It gets triggered irrespective of how your current state of mind is.

Along with this strong feeling at the beginning of something, there also exists one at the end. This is when you see how much you have grown and how much those experiences have taught you. It nudges you towards a period of reflection, you feel nostalgic, and overall bittersweet. It's over. I am so glad. I do not want it to be over. There is relief. There is anxiety of what will happen next. There is excitement. You see, it's always a mixture. The beginning and end of things are often fuzzy. The day ends, the night begins. The night ends and it is morning again. A tsunami destroys a city as it is known to be. Weeks later people are building it back together. You get done with lunch, it is soon time to prepare dinner. The anticipation of the next examination, next episode, or e-mail. The next trip being lowkey planned on the last night of the one that you are on - this happens with my school gang all the time. And the 365.25 days left before your next birthday. Whew!

The end of this year, however it has been for you, is also the beginning of a new one. I think I tend to do posts on the new year sometime during the last week of December sharing nuggets of wisdom I have accumulated over twenty odd years. But this one had to come out sooner. Because I want all of you to do TODAY, whatever you had thought you would do in 2019. No more waiting for an ending before you begin something new.

Drown yourself in the excitement. Feel the anticipation. Take control to feel out of control in a good way.

Right now, buddy. Make the boundaries even fuzzier.
Kanksha

The Effort Equation

Highly suggest you listen and read along as always!

People generally get worked up about two things - their career and social life. They put in effort into those, day after day, night after night, and probably sacrifice other things that they love, but in the end, the result makes them question whether it was all worth it.

In the case of relationships (the healthy ones) and friendships, I'd like to say and think that they are. Sharing a connection with another human being, being able to be so comfortably natural, letting that person in, and allowing yourself to trust that person is a beautiful feeling. It is irreplaceable. And whatever happens to the magical thing that you thought you were laying a foundation for, the foundation never goes away, and the bond remains. It is then up to you what you want to do with it. 

It is like that delicious dish that you learned how to make. You found the ingredients for it, prepared it together, and maybe when you ate it, parts of it got absorbed into your body and parts of it turned into shit. And if more of it turned into shit, you probably realised it was junk and did not want any more of it. But like every junk food item, it is also harder to stop yourself from going back for more.

The issue is when you thought it was green, and the other person labeled you as junk for some reason that does not quite make sense to you. And while that is out of your control, the fact that he wasn't junk to you still makes it worth it. This also at times makes you feel pathetic - it is human to want to be worth it. But you cannot change what people think. It's important to know your own self-worth and move on.

In the case of a failed career attempt or internship, I would easily say the pain is worth it. It would be worth it because while the result of a pass/fail is important and makes you feel things good and bad, the objective of doing the work would be learning and exploring. (And I have learned so much more from my failures and mistakes than my successes.)

At a much lower scale, I was disappointed by a lower grade when I was expecting much more. Another thing I can do nothing about, I told myself. What was the point of working so hard, studying from reference books, and writing things that make sense, when people who do the opposite get more marks? Why did it feel like it wasn't worth it? It was because the objective of studying that way - the good way, was to get good marks. I did not make the diagrams seven times just because it helped me understand better. No no no. I made them so that they were so perfect, I could make them in a jiffy impeccably. It was for a good score. It was so that I'd get a better score than I ever have.

And the problem with doing things for an objective that you cannot control is that you will never feel that it was worth it if things go wrong. You need to make sure that the objective that you are doing things for is under your control and is for you. Study because you want to learn, not for an exam. Intern because you want to learn, not for the university that will take you if you do it.

In fact, a classic example of people doing things for others is the University admit case. They'll do projects, internships, get teaching experience, and even fake certificates to get into a particular university. The target will be publishing a research paper in a particular conference or even being in a specific university to get into another one. So if people do not get into the university they worked hard for, they feel betrayed. It's like "HEYYY I DID EVERYTHING YOU ASKED FOR AND YOU STILL REJECTED ME GIVE ME AN EXPLANATION WHY" but you cannot possibly get an explanation. And anyway, getting in was not just going to be determined by your efforts. There is always luck/destiny/good-day factor that cannot be ignored.

I'm not implying that you should not put an effort into something.

My friend once told me 

efforts>>>>>result. This is like the Bhagvad Gita given to you by me mathematically.

I'll make an addition.

effort ⇏ result. 

And the best way to make peace with that is trying to put in the effort for a reason we are in control of.

That's all for now,
Kanksha