thoughts on a flight in no order whatsoever

Conflicting thoughts. When you care so deeply and want something, but you also know that you really don’t. How do you work through them. How do you stay true to what you want when you want different things? How do you define when you are done, when it is enough? 

I love how wearing headphones provides a different experience. Different sounds in each ear. 

They have shut the lights now and I can still type because I really know the keyboard of a computer now. I can look at the words I am typing and type. I use only one finger to type from each hand and that is pretty weird when I think about it. At least my left hand uses only one finger. I am currently trying to expand my right hand’s typing but that’s not going super well. 

I get waves of gratefulness towards my friends. And then I don't for a certain period and feel judged. 

Why is it like that? Things take time. They happen slowly. You have got to keep putting in the effort. 

I really need to have faith. 

Sometimes the best thing you could do for someone is ask them what they did well and remind them of reasons they should be proud of themselves when they are having a hard time. Ask them where they found the strength, how they persevered. It will go a long way and remind them of mechanisms and ways to continue pulling through. 

How much do you try. How high can you go. 

Sometimes it feels like I should really pick a problem and then devote my life to solving it because how else can I make my life meaningful. When I read about a bunch of scientists, and their contributions, and how they must have felt, and how things were misused, and the brutality of war, but also it’s ability to fast-track innovation, it scares me. We as a race are such loyal people, we work on faith and trust, yet somehow we have countries fighting against each other. What is this hunger for power? There is so much pain behind the invention of a deep blue. And green. And red. All good things in this world have come at a cost. 

I really want to be able to play and enjoy an instrument. I want to, as my friend calls it, “look like a snack”. That was such funny language. I want to write a lot more often. I need better boundaries with my work. I am a loyal person. It is very hard for me to let go. I am learning. 

These are my thoughts. My thoughts are currently very much in the future. I love how sitting in a plane makes me sit with my thoughts. I am compelled to unravel them and listen to myself. And that’s also partly why travel has been so therapeutic. I finally listen. I finally calm down. 

I think I should have a day, where I just sit or sleep and do nothing. Absolutely nothing. I wonder how that would feel. Being in the US, we have all been spoiled. I mean we complain about life admin and chores and being away from home – but we are also completely independent and have a taste of freedom that our Indian counterparts probably never have until they are much older with lot more responsibility. We live in beautiful breathtaking places, or are at least close enough to them, like an hour’s drive away. How lucky to live like that. 

And then while we don’t have our family around and can feel very lonely, we have the choice and space to create our own family from friends. Places where family would have been there and lent a hand, are now replaced by friends, and that creates completely different kind of bonds. Living at home never gives you that chance. It also doesn’t give you the chance to discover yourself, or rather I should say discovering yourself at home takes a lot of courage and guts. You understand your likes and dislikes. Your choices. Your opinions. So much to figure out. 

I love coincidences. How do they work man. Baffled. Like things were meant to happen. But they really aren’t – says the rational part of my brain. The chances were slim, but also your response to a chance meeting is what makes a chance meeting worthwhile. 

My laptop has 1 hour remaining with this amount of use. I really wish I had charged it. The baby next to me has now quietened down. I wonder why he was crying so much. I used to struggle writing chapters of 1500 or 3000 words I think. But it really isn’t difficult when you have so much to say. The words just flow. I don’t know what flow state is, but I think for me it is where things fall into place effortlessly one after another. I feel in flow when I write without actively thinking. I feel great when I solve a bug, or when I raise code reviews rapidly, or code just works the first time after I have written it. I am really good at what I do. I need to start being more confident. I need to start talking to more new people. Expand my social energy again. Give people more of a chance.

Does any of this strike a chord?

Love,
Kanksha

upset

Funny how the upset has two positive words embedded. Up, and set. The last year has had it's ups and downs, and things have been set and undone, yet I have not been able to find a better way of dealing with upset. There are really only a handful of options. 

1. Suppress how you feel
   
   Most people who study the human brain agree that this is a bad idea. You are only going to feel worse, and one day, this feeling will transition into an outburst about possibly something else, and you won't even know why something so small or stupid is affecting you to such great lengths. I don't know of any studies, but I am pretty sure you should find some backing to my claim that this is a bad idea. 
   
   
2. Let it go 
   
   What does this really consist of? If you just try to make yourself not feel the emotion, it's as good as suppressing it. I guess letting something go involves accepting your reality, and then deciding to not take any action. Most often, you decide inaction is the best course of action since things are not in your control. So I would probably rephrase letting something go as choosing to do nothing about something that upset you. And since it is a choice, even when it's a choice to do nothing, one probably feels a little better about it. 
   
   
3.  Communicate that you are upset 
   
   Communicating the feeling of being upset is quite tricky - it either makes you feel relief, or even more upset. And when you feel more upset, it is even more frustrating, because now not only are you upset for the original reasons, you're also upset because the knowledge of you being upset made no difference, and you were vulnerable for no reason. 

I think I typically try to let things go - my definition of choosing to not take action - and then eventually choose to communicate irrespective of whether things are in my control or not. 

And sometimes that gets messier in my head than I like to admit. Should I have chosen something else? What if I would have chosen inaction just one more time? Would my brain be in a better space? Would things have eventually worked out? No one will ever know.

Sometimes consistently doing what you want also leads you to think about what ifs, and there isn't much you can do about that but wonder.

Love,
Kanksha

mixed feelings

Disclaimer: this post is confusing, has no direction, and about many feelings I may or may not be feeling today. 

I think the most insane or weird part of being a human being is having contradictory feelings at the same time. Or multiple conflicting feelings at once. 

Like for instance, heartbreak makes you feel empty, yet the support of people who care for you around you makes you feel loved. You feel that life is unfair, yet grateful for all that you have. You feel relieved, and that alternates with devastation and helplessness, especially death post tremendous suffering. 

I am able to be in the moment when I see a beautiful bird, and also wonder when I will ever see it again. There is appreciation and wonder for the stunning sunset, as well as nostalgia of it as it is ongoing. I am happy I have found someone to love, but I am also mourning my single life. 

I think a few years ago, I had written about how every beginning is an ending, and every ending is a beginning as well. Similarly, I'm realizing that the introduction of a new emotion, is just the end of another one. And emotions are not independent, you generally feel the ones entering and leaving at the same time. 

And I guess that's how I have faith that whatever I am feeling today will eventually leave. And another emotion (or many emotions) will take it's place. And this cycle will repeat. 

What I am also realizing though, is that how I feel about emotions is also changing with time. I felt bored recently after very long, and it felt great. As a child though, being bored was frequent, and well, boring. Then one night, I went from happy to fully energetic, to anxious, to sad and guilty, to confused, and neutral. This felt frustrating, but after more nights like this, it began to feel annoying. Most nights though, I am exhausted and fall asleep. The same song makes me feel different things. The same place makes me feel the same thing. Repetition has different effects and they are unpredictable.

As I grow older, emotions and feelings become more and more complicated. What feels like home? How can home be a place when I've lived and felt safe in multiple of them? How can home be where the people are, when people are all around the world? I'm not sure. My idea of home once upon a time was how I felt like when I was at home in college, when I met my friends every week, when my entire family lived in my house, and when I was discovering life and myself. But I'm never getting that home back. Will anything be able to take it's place? 

I'm also struggling with feeling calm? People make me feel calm. And places do too. But how do I relax irrespective of the place or people? What do I mean by feeling calm? A lower heart rate? Not having so many thoughts and overthinking inconsequential stuff? 

I wish I could stop overthinking. 

But if I could I wouldn't be writing this at 4:39am. 

Lots of love, 

Goodnight :)