In a place like Mumbai

In a place like Mumbai, where finding a spacious two bedroom hall kitchen flat is difficult, a person across my street has a one floor flat along with a balcony. His entire balcony overflows with bonsai. I like to think of it as a bonsai garden.
I have these thoughts about how it would feel to descend the staircase and feel the tips of the trees, graze by me as I walk inside. I like to imagine being covered by the minuscule canopy as I lay on the concrete ground, staring at the stars, the leaves absorbing the traffic noise from down below.
But that is a figment of my imagination.

In a place like Mumbai, where every building does not have enough parking for a single car per flat, and where even I need to go in the lanes behind my house to park the car, the Ambanis had the entire web of lanes evacuated for VIP parking. Where should all the regular cars go? No idea. Now that is unfair and probably not okay. But let us get real. Who decides what is okay and what is not? *cough* powerplay *cough*
The road was full of noise. The lanes behind were full of lights and emptiness. A line of horses trotted on the street. Fancy ones that too. My grandmother shouted at me to see them. I tried to take a video but my crappy phone camera couldn’t capture it.
It is funny to think of the groom entering on short horses with fat feet and long hair. But this will remain a figment of my imagination.

In a place like Mumbai, where there are trees with purple bell flowers, yellow leave shedding trees, and coconut ones swaying in the wind showing off their disco moves (also looking unstable and making me want to stay coconut-tree-feet away), my friend might get a Christmas tree. What is amusing is not her having a Christmas tree, but that her sister might get one from the United States of America in her luggage? Is this even allowed?
Picture this: A twenty-something girl, carrying three bags at the airport. There are people ahead of her, trying to bargain with the authorities to let them carry some extra weight. And in she strolls elegantly, with one of her bags containing a Christmas tree.
I wish I could see that happen. I wish I could see the reaction of the people scanning her bag. But it will remain a figment of my imagination.

In a place like Mumbai, where there are so many stores to shop from, Brand Factory situated at walking distance from home has many sales. And every time they have a sale, they message everyone who has ever shopped from there. This is the very time I will not dare to step into the mall. There are people in a line to get in. There are people paying to get in. There are just so many people, where do they come from???
On the other hand, I see myself lined up outside Only which is about eight stations away from my house, when they were having a big sale. My aunt is along with me and it is probably 6am - if you don’t arrive early enough, you’ll never get in! I learn that people still buy from Salman Khan’s being human store next door. I learn from a fashionista in the line that Forever 21 was initially an imitation brand. And I also learn that I am an idiot to stand in the line for three hours (or was it five? Because it felt like ten!) especially since I was inside for five minutes and all I wanted to do was get out.
Unfortunately, this is not a figment of my imagination.

Thanks for reading ^_^
Kanksha

On Making the Boundaries Fuzzier

(Recommended to listen as you read for the full effect.)

You could be stressed with university applications but the thought of a final year trip with your friends sweetens your mind. You could be sad because of a life-changing unpredictable scenario that you are going through, but undertaking a creative project, like buying a colouring book and penciling through mandalas could make you scrunch your eyes in delight. Joining a community that runs every Saturday full of positive vibes and support for each other is exciting, even if that means kicking yourself out of bed at 5:30 am on a weekend. And no matter what you do, finally actively working towards publishing a book you have written, or beginning a YouTube channel, is going to make your stomach get entangled like spaghetti.

My relationship with writing is a pretty hot and cold one, only depending on how I feel about it. It is the least of my priorities and currently, at least, that is how I feel it should be. Which is why I am publishing a blog post after so long. But the big break that I took also geared me up again. There are so many new ideas I want to explore. The creative part of me is screaming to take up new projects and I just hope they actually materialise and leave me with being productive and happy. But this is fun, right? The fear of the unknown, coming back to something that you love after so long and feeling the energy and comfort, and all the things that you have learned or been through coming together to provide even more inspiration?

There are lots of times when you are feeling a particular feeling, and suddenly something happens which replaces it with the blossoming of another feeling. The excitement of something new beginning tends to be the replacement. I think excitement is the one thing that cannot be controlled or contained. It gets triggered irrespective of how your current state of mind is.

Along with this strong feeling at the beginning of something, there also exists one at the end. This is when you see how much you have grown and how much those experiences have taught you. It nudges you towards a period of reflection, you feel nostalgic, and overall bittersweet. It's over. I am so glad. I do not want it to be over. There is relief. There is anxiety of what will happen next. There is excitement. You see, it's always a mixture. The beginning and end of things are often fuzzy. The day ends, the night begins. The night ends and it is morning again. A tsunami destroys a city as it is known to be. Weeks later people are building it back together. You get done with lunch, it is soon time to prepare dinner. The anticipation of the next examination, next episode, or e-mail. The next trip being lowkey planned on the last night of the one that you are on - this happens with my school gang all the time. And the 365.25 days left before your next birthday. Whew!

The end of this year, however it has been for you, is also the beginning of a new one. I think I tend to do posts on the new year sometime during the last week of December sharing nuggets of wisdom I have accumulated over twenty odd years. But this one had to come out sooner. Because I want all of you to do TODAY, whatever you had thought you would do in 2019. No more waiting for an ending before you begin something new.

Drown yourself in the excitement. Feel the anticipation. Take control to feel out of control in a good way.

Right now, buddy. Make the boundaries even fuzzier.
Kanksha

The Effort Equation

Highly suggest you listen and read along as always!

People generally get worked up about two things - their career and social life. They put in effort into those, day after day, night after night, and probably sacrifice other things that they love, but in the end, the result makes them question whether it was all worth it.

In the case of relationships (the healthy ones) and friendships, I'd like to say and think that they are. Sharing a connection with another human being, being able to be so comfortably natural, letting that person in, and allowing yourself to trust that person is a beautiful feeling. It is irreplaceable. And whatever happens to the magical thing that you thought you were laying a foundation for, the foundation never goes away, and the bond remains. It is then up to you what you want to do with it. 

It is like that delicious dish that you learned how to make. You found the ingredients for it, prepared it together, and maybe when you ate it, parts of it got absorbed into your body and parts of it turned into shit. And if more of it turned into shit, you probably realised it was junk and did not want any more of it. But like every junk food item, it is also harder to stop yourself from going back for more.

The issue is when you thought it was green, and the other person labeled you as junk for some reason that does not quite make sense to you. And while that is out of your control, the fact that he wasn't junk to you still makes it worth it. This also at times makes you feel pathetic - it is human to want to be worth it. But you cannot change what people think. It's important to know your own self-worth and move on.

In the case of a failed career attempt or internship, I would easily say the pain is worth it. It would be worth it because while the result of a pass/fail is important and makes you feel things good and bad, the objective of doing the work would be learning and exploring. (And I have learned so much more from my failures and mistakes than my successes.)

At a much lower scale, I was disappointed by a lower grade when I was expecting much more. Another thing I can do nothing about, I told myself. What was the point of working so hard, studying from reference books, and writing things that make sense, when people who do the opposite get more marks? Why did it feel like it wasn't worth it? It was because the objective of studying that way - the good way, was to get good marks. I did not make the diagrams seven times just because it helped me understand better. No no no. I made them so that they were so perfect, I could make them in a jiffy impeccably. It was for a good score. It was so that I'd get a better score than I ever have.

And the problem with doing things for an objective that you cannot control is that you will never feel that it was worth it if things go wrong. You need to make sure that the objective that you are doing things for is under your control and is for you. Study because you want to learn, not for an exam. Intern because you want to learn, not for the university that will take you if you do it.

In fact, a classic example of people doing things for others is the University admit case. They'll do projects, internships, get teaching experience, and even fake certificates to get into a particular university. The target will be publishing a research paper in a particular conference or even being in a specific university to get into another one. So if people do not get into the university they worked hard for, they feel betrayed. It's like "HEYYY I DID EVERYTHING YOU ASKED FOR AND YOU STILL REJECTED ME GIVE ME AN EXPLANATION WHY" but you cannot possibly get an explanation. And anyway, getting in was not just going to be determined by your efforts. There is always luck/destiny/good-day factor that cannot be ignored.

I'm not implying that you should not put an effort into something.

My friend once told me 

efforts>>>>>result. This is like the Bhagvad Gita given to you by me mathematically.

I'll make an addition.

effort ⇏ result. 

And the best way to make peace with that is trying to put in the effort for a reason we are in control of.

That's all for now,
Kanksha 

Waiting for a bus

(Highly suggest you both listen and read!)

Here is the typical bus waiting scenario: You step out of your house, happy that you are on time. Walk up to the bus stop, knowing that it is going to be your day. And then you reach the bus stop and no bus has arrived yet. It's okay, you tell yourself. It'll take five minutes at least. So you wait. And then it's ten minutes. So you tell yourself that Kuchh paane ke liye kuchh khona padta hai (to achieve something you must lose something). And wait for five more. Buses come and go, all except the one that you want. You think, I've waited for fifteen, just five more can't hurt. And while you're anxious about whether you'll reach on time or not, you stretch. And if the bus still doesn't arrive, you put your ego on the side and take a taxi. Or if you're stubborn, probably wait a little more till the bus finally arrives and it's crowded but you push yourself to get in, or like I said before, take a taxi.

And it may sound funny, but this event is synonymous with so many in life. We're always waiting. Waiting for the right person to come by, waiting for the right person to like us back, waiting for the right person to change his/her mind about the decisions that they have taken. We wait for our jobs to get better, for an interest to develop, and for the results of our perseverance to kick in. We're taught that time heals and fixes everything, and that if you work hard and really ask the universe for something, the universe will hear it and hand it over to you. But you have to keep wanting it and projecting everything you feel realistically yet positively.

Yet the truth is that time cannot always fix things for you. And sometimes irrespective of how much you want something, and how much you actively work for it, and wish for it with as much optimism as you can muster......it just isn't in your control. And that is hard to swallow. It sucks to not be able to be in control of something that is important to you.

And that is why you need to know your breaking point. You need to know whether you want to wait for ten, fifteen, or twenty minutes. And once that time is up, for your own mental peace, you need to take that taxi and move on in life to other things that are waiting for you.

Because at that point, do you even have a choice?

Kanksha

The subtle art of helping and being helped

A friend of mine was recently discussing with me about how her boyfriend kept treating and helping a guy all four years of University but that guy never treated him back. And I'm not a huge fan of that guy, so I easily agreed that something was fishy and conversation moved on.

I went back home, and narrated the events of the day to my mom as I usually do, and I brought this up as well when she reminded me that it would have been wrong for her (my friend's) boyfriend to expect anything in return anyway. Because help should be given without any expectation in return. And I realised that I had somewhere forgotten this.

That is why helping is so difficult. When you help someone, you get the feel-good-feeling and satisfaction from doing something good. You don't sign a contract telling the other person to help you in return. You don't feel wronged when the other person doesn't take that initiative for you when you need it. Because the minute you do that, all the goodwill, and all the happiness that you received when you lent a hand is destroyed immediately when you don't get something in return.

At the same time, it's also necessary to ensure that you remain grateful to the person who helped you. Remember what each person has done for you, thank them, and tell them explicitly that you appreciate it. This makes the person feel good, and more motivated to pass it on to others.

I have always found good people. People willing to teach me. People willing to share. People who'll at some level go out of the way and help me out. I could say that I am blessed and lucky. But I have also had people in my life who do not share or even care. They think they are entitled and have no gratitude for what you do. Or they just don't realise the amount of effort you're putting, at times also because you don't mention it. At these times, it's important for me to tell myself to not get bogged down by them and remember the former set of people. Because there are honestly so many people who are good.

When I was living in the USA and my sister Disha was just born in November, it was too cold to take her out of the house, even if it was just to pick me up from school. When my mother did so since she had no option, my sister got pneumonia. At that time there was a girl called Cathy who stayed in the same building, whom we didn't even know went to the same school. Her mother offered to get me home every day. I remember comparing how the Indian style of saying tables was different from the American and her mother telling me she took ages to brush her teeth every night. Once Disha was okay, my mother took over once again. When we left the country a few months later, we tried to send a gift to her but couldn't find them. To my six year old self, they were angels sent just for us.

Imagine the entire world following this principle - people helping out of pure selflessness and forgetting about it once it's over. People being touched by these people getting inspired to do the same. And the world passing on random (or even not so random) acts of kindness.

I think this place would be a wonderful one to live in.

Thanks for reading,
Kanksha :)

Being wrong

If you prefer listening, here's the track. You can read along!

I remember complaining about my excessive (2 and half hours in total) train travel time in my first year of engineering. I used to hate lectures scheduled at seven in the morning - you have to leave your house at 6:15 if you want to reach close to on time and wake up at 5:30. About fifteen of us from college would go out multiple times a week and I didn't care much about how I should be utilising my time better. Neither did I have regrets about my high school results and life unlike other people. 

One of the most passionate people about computer science that I know is a guy (now my best friend) whom I thought only cared about music and played the piano exceptionally well. You can imagine my shock when I realised how technically sound he was. I also thought that the latent heat of vaporization was the heat consumed and not heat released without a change in temperature.

I have been consistently wrong about things in my life. Train travel gives me breathing space, we recently protested to get back seven am lectures and if possible schedule them for the entire week, and my outings with friends are at an all-time low because my work is at an all-time high. And all these things that would be a downer are things I look forward to every single day. I used to think I did not understand physics but while explaining things to my sister who is full of good questions (which are good because, you know, you don't have an answer immediately) I realised that I do and I just didn't put much of an effort. Rediscovering physics with her is refreshing.

And while the mini-stories I have mentioned above are quite harmless, because of which it was quite easy to accept ignorance and admit wrongness, it isn't always that simple. Sometimes you go into denial, sometimes you feel betrayed and you'd rather believe the contrary like when you're wrong about a person for instance, and sometimes your ego comes in the way especially when the person correcting you is less qualified or younger. People who have strong beliefs and ideas find it even harder to see another way from theirs and accept that there could be flaws. 

We tend to do things because we feel like it is the right thing to do. We love being right and hate being wrong. Kind of like how a lot of us think we are extraordinary. We hope to do things that only great people could, aim to solve issues that have been left unsolved, or set the trend that Priyanka Chopra beings to follow. We hope for our blogs to suddenly go viral and everyone to love our music. But we need to accept that we aren't probably as extraordinary as we wish to be. Just like we must accept that we're not always right and being wrong could probably be exciting as well.

If you like dark chocolate for it's bitter and black coffee for the taste nothing else can give you, and continue shrugging your shoulders to their milky variants, you have a win-win situation. Likewise, if you can appreciate the growth and learning from the bitter feeling of being wrong and open your mind to explore multiple possibilities, and continue being happy with being right - it makes you a more pleasant person to be around apart from content from the inside. 

Anddd I hope I am not wrong about that^! 

Kanksha :)

Stuck

Growth is hard. Set-backs are harder. But being stuck is the worst. And right now? I am stuck.

I am stuck on Chapter 20 of my book. I am stuck with understanding how to implement a part of my algorithm since a week and have no progress to show in my report due right now. I do not know which sub-domain I want to pick for my final year project. And I am stuck with setting up a technical blog on GitHub. 

I cannot easily touch my toes without bending my knees. The terrace generally peaceful is attacked by crows 'cawing' from all sides until darkness overtakes the city. The stars then, are hidden by the clouds, making a mopey-me even gloomier. 

There are a lot of sweet things in my life. I eat chocolate every day, followed by mithai and some more chocolate. Mango Ras for lunch, and cut mangoes after dinner is no longer a luxury, but has become routine. My sister stays at home glued to amazon prime, and my grandmother has turned into a social diva, making up for both, my sister and my own hibernation.

But this is me getting carried away by a couple of bad days. 

I attempted to start writing again, after such a long break. I have not yet given up and am constantly trying to find out how to implement my algorithm. I figured out the domain of my final year project, and have written the first post and created a base for the blog, inspite of not having put it together.

I went from not being able to touch my toes at all a week ago, to slamming my fingers-to-knuckles portion on the floor today. The rain and drizzle makes up for the clouds, putting a rest to the sweltering heat. The smell of mud is invigorating.

Nights out with friends lead to sweet times. Monopoly deal leads to playful fights. And time spent with family playing cards and sequence is always time well spent. With so many loved ones, there are always birthdays to celebrate, and cake to be eaten. 

So yes, being stuck sucks. But being unable to get over being stuck and letting yourself loose sucks even more. I'm putting an end to this bad day. Taking one down, running by the sea just to turn it around. Everyone knows. Sometimes you lie. But you work at a smile and go for a ride. You had a bad day....

Have a great day :)

Kanksha

P.S.: Check out Daniel Powter's "Bad Day". I love the video.

Getting Carried Away

I am twenty. And that is definitely not old. But compared to fourteen year olds on Instagram posting their #ootd (outfit of the day) or "Message me an X and I'll post my favourite photo of you (Max 15 people only)" I feel like a generation apart. These are the new teen things 15 only??? And I fail to understand how they manage to live in that world of Instagram and Snapchat, posting videos of what they're doing live, without really enjoying the moment. At the same time, I try to tell myself that's probably how they enjoy the moment. I hope they're consciously doing what they are, and it's actually what they want. It's important to not get swayed away by the idea of being an internet phenomenon.

But the new generation disappoints me. (And the "New Generation" includes my own generation as well.) My sister's class mates and seniors were willing to spend 3,500 rupees to get a farewell book made for the principal since she was leaving school. 3.5 thousand - and that's my monthly pocket money! Jokes apart, the only reason they were okay doing that was because that's what they do with their projects as well - classic example of letting bad habits extend to things that could be tackled differently. 8th and 9th graders paying other people to do their projects because it looks more professional is depressing. My sister took it upon herself to make it and got the papers binded in about 300.

You might wonder how these students survive in the real world. And the thing is, they don't. I am now in my fourth year of Engineering, studying Computer Science. We have a compulsory project and have to write a thesis by the end of both semesters. It is a great learning opportunity for everyone. And I couldn't believe it when this message popped up in my college WhatsApp group.

I guess I shouldn't have been surprised.

I was stressed to finalise a topic too, but I was so much more excited. You have a whole year to work on something that you want to, with 5 day weeks instead of 6 because the University is nice enough to give you a day off to work - there is so much you can do with that time! And to think that people even consider getting their projects done by people externally makes me sad.

So here's a request to this sea of people who have no idea what they're doing, to those people so consumed by social media and I've been-there-done-that for both cases, or to everyone just procrastinating and letting their thoughts carry them away to a dark or unknown place; please keep yourself busy and do things with the knowledge of your motivation behind it. And if you don't know the answer to why, keep trying till you find things you actually enjoy.

Dance with your friends without caring about whether you look cool or not. Go to your terrace and look at how stunning nature looks at its wildest, blaring electricity in crazy amounts. Refresh, recharge. And then stop whatever you don't want to do. Start trying to find the best way out of things.

My tenth grade english teacher kept stressing on the win-win approach. Find out how you can all win in any situation because winning is so much fun. You don't want to do the project? That's cool. But you've got to do it. So might as well find something you enjoy, and club it with computer science so it becomes enjoyable. Make sure you're solving a problem, that it involves things you are good at and something you enjoy. With these three in place, you're good to go.

We all get carried away. Sometimes it is our emotions, sometimes money or competition. It can be the hunger for something, or the abundance of it. But when we do, it's nice to stop and think about the impact it can have in life before-hand. I guess we need to live in the moment and get carried away, but not too much.

Kanksha :)

Challenging Common Sense

When I first heard the phrase, "The whole is equal to the sum of its parts" in Geometry class, it seemed so common-sensical, I wondered why anyone would need to explicitly state it. Few years later, I studied a different version of it as a concept under Gestalt Psychology, "The whole is greater than the sum of its parts." This went against simple mathematical logic but on studying it theoretically, I understood the depth of meaning it held. And when I began to see how it's a principle I've learned to use to cope with stressors, it seems like a wonderful philosophy!

This moment of insight occured during a casual conversation that went like this:
Friend: How do you let go so fast?
Me: I tell my brain what to think.
Friend: So your brain tells your brain what to think?
Me: No, I tell my brain what to think. Because my brain is just a part of me *cue: ah-ha moment* and the whole is greater than the sum of its parts.

This got me thinking further. We have several thoughts running through our minds and various emotions we experience through the day. We make decisions, some good, others not-so-good. We work, we play, we build relationships, we break relationships. And what we ultimately are is a sum total of all these experiences we've had (along with our genetic, physical and psychological make-up), right? Wrong; because we're humans, not machines. The different parts don't simply come together to make us who we are. They interact with each other in unique, dynamic ways. And these interactions between the various "parts" of us, add more to our existence. And that it why the whole is greater than merely the sum of its parts.

Back to using it to cope, I remind myself that I am bigger and stronger than these parts that seem to sometimes overpower me. If there are upsetting thoughts distracting me, I can control them. If I'm in a bad mood, I can change it. If I'm heartbroken (lol), I still have lots of other parts functioning just fine. I am a bigger whole and do not need to be threatened by a small part that's giving me a hard time. My heart is just one part of who I am, so is my brain and so is everything else. Even if all of them put together, decide to ruin my day, they can not (until I permit them), because I am greater, more powerful than any of these individually or combined.

Your brain is just one part of you. Don't let it enslave you. YOU tell your brain what to think, don't let it feed you thoughts. You decide what you want it to think. Don't forget who the master is!

-Aditi

How to say no: Learn from CERN

It was a beautiful day. With an unspoken three-days-off from college since Wednesday, we were all studying (read: gathering the syllabus) for our term tests starting on Monday. The sunny afternoon was replaced by a steady breeze with a cloudy sky, and my sister and I slept for five hours and three hours respectively. My grandmother made golpapdi for no reason at all, which is soft when hot, and melts in your mouth making you gobble multiple pieces till you can't have any dinner.

Like I said before, it was a beautiful day.

And after my dinner, and a casual scroll of facebook, I got a notification on my work e-mail. It was from CERN's OpenLab program. Here's what the e-mail looked like!

"The selection procedure is now over, and your application has been selected as a reserve at this stage"

They had selected me as a reserve and I was super happy, shouting at my mom asking her to guess what just happened, and calling up my friend as well. It didn't matter if no student cancelled but OH MY GOD THEY CARED ENOUGH TO PUT ME ON HOLD INSTEAD OF CUTTING THE CALL ON MY FACE. THIS IS SO COOL. How is it even possible!!!

Then another friend who had applied called me up telling me he got the same thing.
ooops is something wrong?
And I called another who read she did too.
please let her be the last
And a third called me up for Systems Programming notes and casually asked whether my email said the same.
okay this was definitely sent to everyone
And a fourth texted saying she got the same as well.

....You get the idea. Turns out everyone was "reserved". :')

And to be honest, it's a genius move, because if I didn't know anyone else who applied, it would have left me feeling really good about myself. I was still laughing at the end of all the calls, because it is a really frustrating yet nice way to say no. It's frustrating because they have still kept that strand of hope without killing it (although you would be a little stupid to cling on to it because who rejects an internship like this?), and nice because it doesn't give the vibe of rejection.

Saying no these days is difficult. Will you come under your house for thirty minutes to chill? Is it possible for you to fill up and get your football, along with two tubs of ice cream for our trip the next day? Can you make notes for this subject? Add the panic-filled call two days before a friend of mine gives their GRE. 

And as much as I love helping the world, and meeting my friends especially when they offer to come under my house, sometimes I just can't. In taking care of others, and making sure I give them everything I can ensuring that no one feels bad, I stop caring about myself. And end up overworked, overexhausted, and sleep deprived.

Sometimes when you say no, people get offended. So to say it in a way that they actually feel good or happy about it is a task. But with practise, you can actually get pretty good at it.

"It's so nice that you guys are coming all the way but it really isn't possible today. Thanks a lot for thinking about me." is one way. "I can't get the football but maybe person X can. I'll ask him." and pass it on.

Showing gratitude, suggesting another person for the same, or doing whatever little is in your capacity and letting the other person know that, without crumbling under pressure are the best things you can do.

Say no gracefully,
(^^Not to this)
Kanksha :)

What People Do To Me

"Thank you!"

"You girls are doing a wonderful job!"

"This is the reason I love this city!"

"This is the highlight of the journey!"

"You're beautiful!"

"You're so enthusiastic! Where do you get the energy from?"

I get the energy from YOU.

Waking up early has never been this exciting. I rubbed my sleepy eyes wondering what I'd got myself into but little did I know what awaited. Armed with funny posters and a will to motivate fellow city dwellers, Kanksha and I cheered the Marathon runners as they ran the last leg of the event. As we screamed and danced on the pavement, we gave big, really BIG high-fives to the runners that passed by. Who knew a simple friendly gesture could go on to refuel and energise, well, strangers? The strange part was that it didn't feel as though we were making contact with strangers! The poetic notion of having no boundaries and feeling one came alive as we extended ourselves to everyone who came that way. Who the people were or what they did, didn’t matter- everyone was enraptured in the same spirit. We meant to brighten up their journey but got so much love in return! A women was elated that I woke up early "specially" for her and I was overwhelmed to see how much a seemingly silly idea meant to those it touched.

I'm not a very athletic person, yet, I continued extruding energy, jumping on the street for over three hours. Where did I get the energy from? From the people! Human interaction, no matter how brief, has a magical impact on me. Making contact for a short second as I slapped my palm against another's or my eyes smiled at someone across the road, I drew energy and gave it back to the next person. And it was beautiful!

Today, I experienced the joy of giving, giving unconditionally, extending myself without inhibition.

Today, I experienced warmth, warmth that I shared with people I didn't even know.

Today, I experienced exhilaration, massive energy from supporting another.

And today, I experienced the power of human contact, a power that cannot be sourced from anywhere else.

My toes feel funny and my side has a slight (sweet) pain but oh, what a morning it was! 

-Aditi

Bullies

The older kids that never let you play hide and seek with them and made fun of you till you got them chocolate,
The teacher that made sure you did the project as she wanted by being picky about things like green crepe paper for trees and brown velvet paper for the trunk,
The 'friends' who constantly make fun of you and make you feel alone,
And any of those people who not-with-good-intentions force you out of your comfort zone
They're bullies.
Maybe they're aware of what they're doing, maybe they aren't. But that doesn't mean that you have to deal with it.

And the bullying doesn't stop as you get older. It just changes seasons and becomes more sophisticated.

When you were young the teacher would sit and question both sides, trying to figure out who's right. Then the person who was wrong would get punished. Sit in the corner maybe, asked to introspect what went wrong. Most often the person would end up plotting against the bullied kid again and on executing the plan, the whole cycle would repeat.

And that's what happens with first class bullies. Firstly, they don't stop. But more importantly, they don't think they're doing anything wrong. Their bad behaviour is okay because the poor kid can't do anything about it. And even if the kid stands up for himself, there isn't really anyone to believe him.

At the college level, teachers turn a blind eye when you're scoring well and batchmates do the same because the person acts differently with different people. At your dream job, it'll come from your boss and you probably won't say anything because the job is very dear to you.

I think at the end of the day, we need to weigh the odds about whether the cause you're getting bullied for is worth it or not. What are you really getting out of it? If you've already got most of what you wanted, or the value addition is miniscule, please get out. Don't put up with it for so long if there are better things to do. If your boss at Google* treats you awfully, go get a job at Facebook and shove it in his face. So yes, you need to have a back up plan. You can't just quit because you'll ruin things for yourself. But you have to figure out a way out of it, even if it isn't quitting. Giving back to the bully isn't always an option, because you'll probably end up sabotaging good things and affecting others along the way. Speaking up isn't an option either, because that person has already built a reputation that can't be tainted.

But what we really need to think about is how to turn such a situation into a favourable one for ourselves.

How do you do that?

Love always,
Kanksha

*Taken names just for the sake of example.

What matters to you?

When your best friend is conducting a psychology experiment and greets you with a “Hello, how do you do?”, you cannot help but hold back a laugh saying “Very well”. It’s true guys, a counsellor cannot counsel their friends. It’s the lack of seriousness, presence of a personal bond, and the natural bias towards your friend since you’re only able to listen to things from their perspective (or since they’re the focal asset in pysch words (am I right?)). A counsellor can only advice, and be a rational friend at the most. But participating in Aditi’s pysch experiments was one of the most amusing experince I have shared with her.

On the other hand, I think I am in love with the Xavier’s Library. Don’t think I’m the first one either. It’s beautiful. Gives you the vintage feel from the British Era with books you’ve only seen to look like that in movies, the old doors that leave the top and bottom open which can be pushed lead us into different cubicles on the side, and you can find all kinds of students sitting in the library. The reference books section has books on every topic you can think of, and the place is so magical, if I was studying at Xaviers, the library would probably be my safe haven. If it wasn’t obvious already, I can’t get over it.

It’s just the college. They call a bunch of trees the Woods, and the Indian Music Room is the only one that has an air conditioner since it is sponsored by Britannica – not even the Principal’s cabin has one. There are staircases that only fit two people and spiral upwards which are really cool. Not to mention all the happy faces, coloured hair, vibrant personalities – people sitting in lectures and actually paying close attention to what the teachers are saying. You find people alone, people in groups discussing math questions, and people sitting randomly in the campus chilling in the break. Even though I was an outsider, I didn’t feel lonely.

😀😀😀😊😊😊ツツツ

Today has just been an overwhelming day. I found this draft written by me on 26th September 2014.

“In a universe so big, the earth is nothing but a pale blue dot. Just from a galaxy away, you might not even realise that we even exist. And there are millions of galaxies. There are gazillion planets and infinite stars. So yes, our solar system is like our mini-infinity. In this mini infinity, there are so many things we never procrastinate about (unless we have to study or work because that's the perfect time for all of us to wonder about every aspect of life) For instance, every glance in the darkness shows you the past. If the sun decides to disappear one day, you'll realise it took that decision eight minutes later. The star you see millions of light years away looked like that millions of light years ago. You'll never know how it looks like at the moment.
^But does this matter?
Today, I'll ask you the question every student applying to Stanford will be answering this year. What matters to you?”

Two things:
1. In 2014, I knew what question every student applying to Stanford would be answering, and now I don’t.
2. I'm still not sure about what matters.

Those amusing moments spent with your friends, the solace in a library, and feeling-in-place in a strange place – they’re just the smaller things that keep you going as you work towards the bigger things that matter.

So today, I'll still ask you the same question. What matters to you?

Always providing food for thought for the hungry,
Kanksha

P.S.: Did you know that ツ is the Katakana letter tu?
(Yeah, I know. Doesn't matter.)

New year, New day

I had a Kanksha day today.
Wanted to wake up at 7:00am, woke up at 8:30. Was supposed to leave at 10:00am, left at 10:13. Reached the station quick enough only to find out that I've forgotten my lunch box. Dad came to give it to me (and proceeded to go to office) and I got into the next train that I was supposed to take.

I have two categories of Kanksha days - either days when I'm always late inspite of having the intention of being on time because the world just doesn't want me to, or crazy busy days when there's something or the other happening throughout the day and I get time to sit back only when I have to sleep.

Then there are Disha days. Days when you're feeling lazy and don't do anything, staring at the ceiling while you put your feet back and relax doesn't count. Or days when all you do is read, eat, and sleep with the occasional computer game level up perhaps. There are Aditi days full of productivity, where you get so much work done, it's unbelievable. Something like the second category of a Kanksha day. There are Bhavya days when everything goes wrong, from which she'll make everyone laugh their heads off at the dinner table because she makes it sound funny instead of miserable.

And I don't want to think about or analyse anything in this blogpost. But this year, hope you have a little bit of Kanksha, Disha, Aditi, and Bhavya days in your life. Don't stick to your own days, keep exploring. There are 365 different ones you want to live before the next year, of course. Things will go wrong, you will be late, traffic will be there when you have an important meeting, and there will be days when you accomplish all and even more than you planned. You'll feel lazy and staying in bed, you'll feel like getting out of the house and crave a vacation too but revel in all those moments since it's those moments that make your year your year. They give you things to talk about, things to think about - they give you stories.

You're a living story, this year try to act like it.

Love always,
Kanksha