used to be pretty

The song Used to Be Pretty just came on autoplay, and it made me smile. The lyrics talk about a woman looking back on herself at different ages, always realizing in hindsight that she was pretty—at 23, she thought her 19-year-old self was pretty, and at 19, she thought her 16-year-old self was. It resonated with me because I’ve always had a habit of disliking most photos of myself in the moment, only to look back years later and see them differently — seeing that version of me as pretty in its own way.

It reminded me of something a speech and drama teacher told me seven years ago. She said that every time she looks at her younger self, she wonders why she ever believed she wasn’t pretty in the moment. Her words have stuck with me because, honestly, I think that’s a universal experience for women—especially post-teenage years. We’re so quick to find things about ourselves that feel like they aren’t enough, yet with time and distance, we realize that version of us was more than enough. We’ve changed and grown—hopefully for the better—but somehow, the present version still doesn’t feel like it measures up.

And really, feeling enough—pretty enough, kind enough, intelligent enough, strong enough, patient enough, passionate enough—is one of the hardest things to hold onto. Yet, it’s probably the most important thing we could build: the belief that our worth isn’t defined by others, the world, or our circumstances. That we define it.

And the real magic begins when self-belief is strong enough to know we are enough — but the drive to grow remains alive enough too.

Okay enough said :)

Kanksha <3

Day 31

It’s day 31 of being in the gym from the last 81 days. I had decided that this was it, and I had to get stronger whether I liked it or not for all the things I dream of being able to do. So even though it’s boring, and even though I’m clueless, and I hated it along with the idea of being trapped in a room full of well built sweaty people going all out in their effort…. it had to be done. 

It took 31 days to begin to like it. Because I entered the gym today and I was mildly excited. I think I like the gym because of the pauses it allows me to take. With running and cycling it’s more about getting into a flow state, not thinking, and continuing without stopping. But with lifting weights, I get to stop after every set and it is in fact encouraged!! So cool. 

And I really like how the pauses allow my thoughts to wander. You get to look into space and just think. Or not think if you’re too tired to. Or even scroll instagram but thankfully I don’t do that yet. 

I don’t think I’ve got much stronger yet. I don’t push myself the way I see others - friends and strangers - push themselves. But my muscles do feel tired. The goal here is consistency first, and the assumption is that progress will show itself. So we are being patient and giving it time. 

I feel like the whole of December to myself without many friends around was good for me. I got time to visualize how I wanted my life to be. Which habits I wanted to create. Feeling more motivated to work hard this year. At work, on my fitness, on seeing more sunrises, on learning new things and learning them well. 

But more than anything else, just genuinely want each day to be a good day. And I guess a good day isn’t necessarily when everything good happens. It’s when you find something to smile about irrespective. Your car broke down? At least a friend came to help. Didn’t feel like getting out of bed? At least you watched the sun set. 

I feel that it’s so easy to forget all the things in our control that make any day better, and it’s somehow difficult to actually do those things when you’re feeling glum. Usually my advice to anyone who tells me they are going through a hard time is to make sure they do something they enjoy, everyday, even if it’s just for 10 mins in a day. But I think it’s just good practice to do that anyway. That way it’s easier to keep up with it on the harder ones :) 

Lots of loveeeee. 

to each day being a ‘good’ day and more days at the gym this year 

Kanksha 

PS: ofc I wrote this in the breaks I took at the gym