the end

I wrote most of this blog on Dec 25th, 2024. I didn’t publish it back then, because I got cold feet. But I had the thought of writing a final post on this blog before I stopped posting here for good. And I think I’m ready to do it right now. I’m also worried if I don’t do it now, I never will. 

This all started at Aditi’s grandmother’s house back on 29th March, 2013. I wanted to write. I wanted other people to enjoy my writing. And I wanted something tangible that would keep me and my friend connected. So we picked an afternoon and created this, with the email id, name, and icon and colour scheme all in one afternoon. Aditi has almost never written on this blog, and my blog never became big or went viral. But it did serve the first purpose - it gave me a platform to publish my written work, the confidence to share what I was thinking, and learn how to refine my thoughts as I typed them out. 

This blog over a period of time became a little bit of a journal too. I kept drawing inspiration from real life, trying my best to conceal the details, yet allow myself to be raw. It was therapeutic to be able to publish something, not necessarily share it with friends and family on social media, and leave it to destiny and the internet that the people it had to reach, it would. 

Been a few months since 2025 has begun, and I feel like I am closest to the person I was back in 2013 than ever before in some ways. I’m hopeful about the magic and kindness present in the world. I feel less concerned with what others around me think. I’m a lot more comfortable with the idea of trying and failing, my belief that I can do anything is slowly coming back. I want to try. I want to live and am feeling the excitement to know what life has to offer. 

I am also more humbled by life than I have ever been before. I listen more. I hope I am not taking anyone or anything for granted. Life has kept teaching me lessons on letting go, and it continues to (really really continues to) push me to the edge until I’ve fully understood it. I’m learning that when you’re having fun, don’t question it. And when you’re crying in bed at night, don’t question it either. Life passes and moves on, whether we like it or not. We switch from laughing to crying and back to laughing before we realize it. Everything we feel is temporary. 

I used to tell someone important to me - instead of procrastinating, just try doing something for ten minutes. And try that again. And if you still don’t feel like doing it, then it’s okay to switch over to something else. Most times, taking that action for ten minutes, and giving it two attempts, will change how you feel… instead of waiting to feel differently to take action. It’s hard for me to follow my own advice, but I have been trying. 

So with all of the above cryptic advice, and thoughts, I am going to let this blog go. 

It has been a wonderful 12 years. I’ve had a great place to express myself. Thank you for reading. Thank you for being here.

Perhaps it’s time for something new. I don’t know what yet. I will figure it out. 

Love,

Kanksha 

used to be pretty

The song Used to Be Pretty just came on autoplay, and it made me smile. The lyrics talk about a woman looking back on herself at different ages, always realizing in hindsight that she was pretty—at 23, she thought her 19-year-old self was pretty, and at 19, she thought her 16-year-old self was. It resonated with me because I’ve always had a habit of disliking most photos of myself in the moment, only to look back years later and see them differently — seeing that version of me as pretty in its own way.

It reminded me of something a speech and drama teacher told me seven years ago. She said that every time she looks at her younger self, she wonders why she ever believed she wasn’t pretty in the moment. Her words have stuck with me because, honestly, I think that’s a universal experience for women—especially post-teenage years. We’re so quick to find things about ourselves that feel like they aren’t enough, yet with time and distance, we realize that version of us was more than enough. We’ve changed and grown—hopefully for the better—but somehow, the present version still doesn’t feel like it measures up.

And really, feeling enough—pretty enough, kind enough, intelligent enough, strong enough, patient enough, passionate enough—is one of the hardest things to hold onto. Yet, it’s probably the most important thing we could build: the belief that our worth isn’t defined by others, the world, or our circumstances. That we define it.

And the real magic begins when self-belief is strong enough to know we are enough — but the drive to grow remains alive enough too.

Okay enough said :)

Kanksha <3

Day 31

It’s day 31 of being in the gym from the last 81 days. I had decided that this was it, and I had to get stronger whether I liked it or not for all the things I dream of being able to do. So even though it’s boring, and even though I’m clueless, and I hated it along with the idea of being trapped in a room full of well built sweaty people going all out in their effort…. it had to be done. 

It took 31 days to begin to like it. Because I entered the gym today and I was mildly excited. I think I like the gym because of the pauses it allows me to take. With running and cycling it’s more about getting into a flow state, not thinking, and continuing without stopping. But with lifting weights, I get to stop after every set and it is in fact encouraged!! So cool. 

And I really like how the pauses allow my thoughts to wander. You get to look into space and just think. Or not think if you’re too tired to. Or even scroll instagram but thankfully I don’t do that yet. 

I don’t think I’ve got much stronger yet. I don’t push myself the way I see others - friends and strangers - push themselves. But my muscles do feel tired. The goal here is consistency first, and the assumption is that progress will show itself. So we are being patient and giving it time. 

I feel like the whole of December to myself without many friends around was good for me. I got time to visualize how I wanted my life to be. Which habits I wanted to create. Feeling more motivated to work hard this year. At work, on my fitness, on seeing more sunrises, on learning new things and learning them well. 

But more than anything else, just genuinely want each day to be a good day. And I guess a good day isn’t necessarily when everything good happens. It’s when you find something to smile about irrespective. Your car broke down? At least a friend came to help. Didn’t feel like getting out of bed? At least you watched the sun set. 

I feel that it’s so easy to forget all the things in our control that make any day better, and it’s somehow difficult to actually do those things when you’re feeling glum. Usually my advice to anyone who tells me they are going through a hard time is to make sure they do something they enjoy, everyday, even if it’s just for 10 mins in a day. But I think it’s just good practice to do that anyway. That way it’s easier to keep up with it on the harder ones :) 

Lots of loveeeee. 

to each day being a ‘good’ day and more days at the gym this year 

Kanksha 

PS: ofc I wrote this in the breaks I took at the gym