Most conversations with people these days revolve around goodbyes or leaving the country because that is what I will be doing soon when I leave for my Master's. And after a bunch of those conversations back to back, and me trying to sleep but the same thoughts revolving in my head not letting me sleep, I finally realised what was annoying me. So I switched off my phone's data, switched on the laptop at 1:36am, and began typing. It was time I published another blog post anyway.
When one of my closest friends went abroad for his Master's last year, I remember him asking me to not feel sad but instead feel happy for him. I know what it is like when someone you are close to decides to change addresses. I know that it can be difficult for the person who's in the same routine, and that person feels it's easier for the person who went away because he/she will meet new people and will be in a new place with new things to do. Like when you're the one staying, there's this space that doesn't automatically get filled, and it can be hard to find new things to fill it. I know because this is how I felt when he was going away. Trust me, I know.
On the other hand, I haven't felt really emotional about me going away more than four times in the past few months. And that confused and low-key annoyed me, because I am a highly emotional person. And people who I thought were less emotional were getting much more affected by it. The reason for my lack of emotion that I kept giving myself and to others was that I:
A. do not think about it or
B. block the sad thoughts.
But in my semi-sleepy state, I realised that neither of those two are accurate. I don't feel constantly emotional about it because I don't focus on how I'm leaving people. Because I am not.
I am not leaving my family behind.
I am not leaving my friends.
I am going there to study, and in that process I may not physically be there with my family and friends. But the lack of a physical presence does not mean I am leaving them.
And I think the minute you see going away as something temporary (I don't understand why it is assumed forever), the minute you stop seeing it as leaving people behind and acknowledge that it is your choice and something you want to do, the minute everyone around you also changes their mindset about you going away, is the minute you'll feel a little better about it.
I don't know what I am trying to say in the blog post, so if you are looking for a conclusion, I may end up giving you multiple conflicting ones.
Because on one had, I'd ask you to be happy for people like me. I'd ask you to bring a shift from leaving to coming back soon, cherish the time till departure, and know that history repeats itself hence so will this 'time of your life'. I'd ask you to have faith and security in your relationships with people, and trust the solid groundwork coupled with effort to keep them stable. At the same time, we (people like me going away) also want to be able to express how much we will miss life so far. And how even though a lot of things will change, some things never will and we need that reassurance. We want the bittersweet moments. We're a pinch of scared and a bunch of excited added with an anxious and worried and ready for it and knowing how much you will miss us too makes it both better and worse.
I think instead of asking someone to not feel sad about me going, or asking myself to not feel sad about myself going, I'd tell them and myself to to stop being sad (in the continuous tense). Like be sad in the present, feel how you feel, express it and move on from it. And while we all do this eventually, do it consciously right now too. No one can ignore their feelings forever - you may bottle them up but I'm a firm believer of how they always get back to you eventually. So yeah, let your heart speak. And then let your brain talk to you too.
Because in general, in life, we all have to find a way to listen to both.
And currently? This is not the end so stop being sad.
Love,
Kanksha
When one of my closest friends went abroad for his Master's last year, I remember him asking me to not feel sad but instead feel happy for him. I know what it is like when someone you are close to decides to change addresses. I know that it can be difficult for the person who's in the same routine, and that person feels it's easier for the person who went away because he/she will meet new people and will be in a new place with new things to do. Like when you're the one staying, there's this space that doesn't automatically get filled, and it can be hard to find new things to fill it. I know because this is how I felt when he was going away. Trust me, I know.
On the other hand, I haven't felt really emotional about me going away more than four times in the past few months. And that confused and low-key annoyed me, because I am a highly emotional person. And people who I thought were less emotional were getting much more affected by it. The reason for my lack of emotion that I kept giving myself and to others was that I:
A. do not think about it or
B. block the sad thoughts.
But in my semi-sleepy state, I realised that neither of those two are accurate. I don't feel constantly emotional about it because I don't focus on how I'm leaving people. Because I am not.
I am not leaving my family behind.
I am not leaving my friends.
I am going there to study, and in that process I may not physically be there with my family and friends. But the lack of a physical presence does not mean I am leaving them.
And I think the minute you see going away as something temporary (I don't understand why it is assumed forever), the minute you stop seeing it as leaving people behind and acknowledge that it is your choice and something you want to do, the minute everyone around you also changes their mindset about you going away, is the minute you'll feel a little better about it.
I don't know what I am trying to say in the blog post, so if you are looking for a conclusion, I may end up giving you multiple conflicting ones.
Because on one had, I'd ask you to be happy for people like me. I'd ask you to bring a shift from leaving to coming back soon, cherish the time till departure, and know that history repeats itself hence so will this 'time of your life'. I'd ask you to have faith and security in your relationships with people, and trust the solid groundwork coupled with effort to keep them stable. At the same time, we (people like me going away) also want to be able to express how much we will miss life so far. And how even though a lot of things will change, some things never will and we need that reassurance. We want the bittersweet moments. We're a pinch of scared and a bunch of excited added with an anxious and worried and ready for it and knowing how much you will miss us too makes it both better and worse.
I think instead of asking someone to not feel sad about me going, or asking myself to not feel sad about myself going, I'd tell them and myself to to stop being sad (in the continuous tense). Like be sad in the present, feel how you feel, express it and move on from it. And while we all do this eventually, do it consciously right now too. No one can ignore their feelings forever - you may bottle them up but I'm a firm believer of how they always get back to you eventually. So yeah, let your heart speak. And then let your brain talk to you too.
Because in general, in life, we all have to find a way to listen to both.
And currently? This is not the end so stop being sad.
Love,
Kanksha
No comments:
Post a Comment