mixed feelings

Disclaimer: this post is confusing, has no direction, and about many feelings I may or may not be feeling today. 

I think the most insane or weird part of being a human being is having contradictory feelings at the same time. Or multiple conflicting feelings at once. 

Like for instance, heartbreak makes you feel empty, yet the support of people who care for you around you makes you feel loved. You feel that life is unfair, yet grateful for all that you have. You feel relieved, and that alternates with devastation and helplessness, especially death post tremendous suffering. 

I am able to be in the moment when I see a beautiful bird, and also wonder when I will ever see it again. There is appreciation and wonder for the stunning sunset, as well as nostalgia of it as it is ongoing. I am happy I have found someone to love, but I am also mourning my single life. 

I think a few years ago, I had written about how every beginning is an ending, and every ending is a beginning as well. Similarly, I'm realizing that the introduction of a new emotion, is just the end of another one. And emotions are not independent, you generally feel the ones entering and leaving at the same time. 

And I guess that's how I have faith that whatever I am feeling today will eventually leave. And another emotion (or many emotions) will take it's place. And this cycle will repeat. 

What I am also realizing though, is that how I feel about emotions is also changing with time. I felt bored recently after very long, and it felt great. As a child though, being bored was frequent, and well, boring. Then one night, I went from happy to fully energetic, to anxious, to sad and guilty, to confused, and neutral. This felt frustrating, but after more nights like this, it began to feel annoying. Most nights though, I am exhausted and fall asleep. The same song makes me feel different things. The same place makes me feel the same thing. Repetition has different effects and they are unpredictable.

As I grow older, emotions and feelings become more and more complicated. What feels like home? How can home be a place when I've lived and felt safe in multiple of them? How can home be where the people are, when people are all around the world? I'm not sure. My idea of home once upon a time was how I felt like when I was at home in college, when I met my friends every week, when my entire family lived in my house, and when I was discovering life and myself. But I'm never getting that home back. Will anything be able to take it's place? 

I'm also struggling with feeling calm? People make me feel calm. And places do too. But how do I relax irrespective of the place or people? What do I mean by feeling calm? A lower heart rate? Not having so many thoughts and overthinking inconsequential stuff? 

I wish I could stop overthinking. 

But if I could I wouldn't be writing this at 4:39am. 

Lots of love, 

Goodnight :)