Conflicting thoughts. When you care so deeply and want something, but you also know that you really don’t. How do you work through them. How do you stay true to what you want when you want different things? How do you define when you are done, when it is enough?
I love how wearing headphones provides a different experience. Different sounds in each ear.
They have shut the lights now and I can still type because I really know the keyboard of a computer now. I can look at the words I am typing and type. I use only one finger to type from each hand and that is pretty weird when I think about it. At least my left hand uses only one finger. I am currently trying to expand my right hand’s typing but that’s not going super well.
I get waves of gratefulness towards my friends. And then I don't for a certain period and feel judged.
Why is it like that? Things take time. They happen slowly. You have got to keep putting in the effort.
I really need to have faith.
Sometimes the best thing you could do for someone is ask them what they did well and remind them of reasons they should be proud of themselves when they are having a hard time. Ask them where they found the strength, how they persevered. It will go a long way and remind them of mechanisms and ways to continue pulling through.
How much do you try. How high can you go.
Sometimes it feels like I should really pick a problem and then devote my life to solving it because how else can I make my life meaningful. When I read about a bunch of scientists, and their contributions, and how they must have felt, and how things were misused, and the brutality of war, but also it’s ability to fast-track innovation, it scares me. We as a race are such loyal people, we work on faith and trust, yet somehow we have countries fighting against each other. What is this hunger for power? There is so much pain behind the invention of a deep blue. And green. And red. All good things in this world have come at a cost.
I really want to be able to play and enjoy an instrument. I want to, as my friend calls it, “look like a snack”. That was such funny language. I want to write a lot more often. I need better boundaries with my work. I am a loyal person. It is very hard for me to let go. I am learning.
These are my thoughts. My thoughts are currently very much in the future. I love how sitting in a plane makes me sit with my thoughts. I am compelled to unravel them and listen to myself. And that’s also partly why travel has been so therapeutic. I finally listen. I finally calm down.
I think I should have a day, where I just sit or sleep and do nothing. Absolutely nothing. I wonder how that would feel. Being in the US, we have all been spoiled. I mean we complain about life admin and chores and being away from home – but we are also completely independent and have a taste of freedom that our Indian counterparts probably never have until they are much older with lot more responsibility. We live in beautiful breathtaking places, or are at least close enough to them, like an hour’s drive away. How lucky to live like that.
And then while we don’t have our family around and can feel very lonely, we have the choice and space to create our own family from friends. Places where family would have been there and lent a hand, are now replaced by friends, and that creates completely different kind of bonds. Living at home never gives you that chance. It also doesn’t give you the chance to discover yourself, or rather I should say discovering yourself at home takes a lot of courage and guts. You understand your likes and dislikes. Your choices. Your opinions. So much to figure out.
I love coincidences. How do they work man. Baffled. Like things were meant to happen. But they really aren’t – says the rational part of my brain. The chances were slim, but also your response to a chance meeting is what makes a chance meeting worthwhile.
My laptop has 1 hour remaining with this amount of use. I really wish I had charged it. The baby next to me has now quietened down. I wonder why he was crying so much. I used to struggle writing chapters of 1500 or 3000 words I think. But it really isn’t difficult when you have so much to say. The words just flow. I don’t know what flow state is, but I think for me it is where things fall into place effortlessly one after another. I feel in flow when I write without actively thinking. I feel great when I solve a bug, or when I raise code reviews rapidly, or code just works the first time after I have written it. I am really good at what I do. I need to start being more confident. I need to start talking to more new people. Expand my social energy again. Give people more of a chance.
Does any of this strike a chord?
Love,
Kanksha
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