Kanksha of all trades, master of none

I’ve been asked by different people on multiple occasions whether I can play table tennis. And I never know what answer to give because saying that I can’t play would be a lie, and telling them I can probably builds too much expectation and leads to disappointment. In such situations, I tend to decide what my answer should be based on the people I am with. If I’m with my school friends, I’ll probably say no because the guys are really really good (but again the question never comes from them since we just begin playing). Which is why I had said I can't really to my college friends, and they were surprised when they saw I could dish out a serve or two and wasn’t terrible, leading them to think that I was lying. In continuation, at office I said I wasn’t terrible and maybe it was a bad day or they were just really good, but I was terrible and slightly embarrassed. I don’t think we ever played again.

But telling people that you can do something, or that you’re moderately good at something, builds up a lot of expectation. People start making assumptions. Good is a very subjective word. Good could mean better than my sister, or good could mean better than nothing. In my case especially, there are lots of things I can do, or enjoy doing.

In the context of a person who can barely take two laps of a track, I can go steady for 45 minutes and feel beatific and not enervated. If I’m with people who’ve never played the keyboard before, I can catch the melody and play it without much hesitation. I could also sketch and paint a picture or two and you might think it’s really cool. But put me up against someone who runs marathons, can easily play stuff that sounds great compared to oh-you-know-the-basics, and an actual artist, I’m pretty much close to nothing.

And sometimes it irks me, that there is little value from the personal satisfaction and enjoyment you get, when you can limitedly do so many things. But that is probably because it is also accompanied by the dissatisfaction of being a master at none.

I just wish I put in enough effort in one thing for mastery because I think it's important. Not only do you get more rewards for mastery since everyone can be "good" at something, but there is this feeling of accomplishment when you actually know stuff in detail, or when you have a crystal clear understanding. And I'm striving for that in my own subjects but at the back of my head, I think I can sense a lack of confidence that I'll never know as much as I'm already supposed to. I'm surrounded by people who've literally sculpted their resumes, and mine is still close to an amorphous rock. Flip side? I can still do whatever I want with it. Other flip side? The hyper nature of time since it never waits.

And this is the moment where I feel so happy that I write because it is the only consistent thing in my life since I was tiny, and hopefully will be forever. I want to introduce people to new ideas, visit new worlds, and look at the world from my perspective. It's a shame that to be a full time author is mostly a dream for people because the population does not believe in paying for any form of art - unless it is famous of course.

But this debate is for another day.

Shape your rock a little bit
Or just plan how you want to do it 
Kanksha <3

Hope for the best or Prepare for the worst?

I’m trying to be positive,
Begging my mind to stay calm.
I’m trying to expect nothing,
And subdue the qualm.

It’s difficult to do that
When it’s in your nature to take stress
About things that haven’t even happened
That could make your life a mess.

Positivity can contribute to hope,
And hope can lead you astray
Preparing for the worst
Isn’t enough on a few days.
 
So do I be positive, and dream without thinking about the consequences and reality, simply because affirmations when supported with hard work and effort tend to make you and the world more focused on achieving the same?

Or do I prepare constantly, at the back of my mind, of how worst worst can get?

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

The statement makes sense generally, but only when it has to be implemented does one realise how non-complementary the frame of mind is in each case.

I don’t think you can do both at the same time. It’s a step by step procedure. First you prepare for the worst, I guess, being open and accepting that anything could happen. And plan what you would do, worst case. Next comes the hoping for the best part.

I think I’ve done the same.

I think I’m ready.

Kanksha

P.S. If you don’t know me, what did you think this post was about?

A reason to celebrate

Read along with the audio so you don't miss out the GIFs!
Side Note: I think I have accepted my audio endings will always be awkward because I never know how to sign off. 


So I’m going to try a November writing prompt thing where I write on something (almost) everyday. And it’s already 11 days into November plus this prompt was for November third but I like it since you can make it poetic, heavy or really stupid too.

Number 1 on my reasons-to-celebrate list is that I am finally done with my practical exams and vivas. It's such a relief that I don't have to remember syntax for which I would have otherwise taken Google's help. Real life coding is so different from coding for a practical.

Friend tapping my shoulder: Theory exams begin in 9 days and you're going to have to study all over again.
Me:



*I'm so so tired*

Secondly, I am writing yay!
I keep telling people how much I absolutely love writing and how amazing at it I am (am I?) but the truth is that I never prioritize it. Which leads to my barely ever writing. Picking something up that you’ve put away indefinitely tends to be thrilling when you actually do it.
Unless it’s cleaning your room, then maybe not.

Number three would probably be how I finally organised my cupboard, only for it to become messy again soon. But see the “finally”? Recurring pattern of things-I-should-have-done-ages-ago being seen here.

On another note, I'm always partying. I have a different definition of partying though. Partying to me is simply having fun. I'm partying when I spend time with friends and family, I'm partying when I go for a run alone. I'm partying when I go to college sitting through a plodding lecture too because that's one of the only times bonding happens. Writing a blog post, trekking and being circumscribed by nature, listening to music - I fill up my days with as many fun things as I can. And this perennial party called life is another reason to celebrate.

You can add celebrating how I like to think that I know what I want to do in life, and celebrating death because without it we wouldn’t value life. Living forever sounds as boring as it does exciting.

Celebrating how lucky I am to be able to have everything that I do have, and the paradox – lucky that I don’t have the rest because if I had everything, what would keep me going?

You could just celebrate someone’s birthday – everyday is the birthday of somebody, irrespective of whether you know them or not.
I don’t know. Just go to a park and feel happy about how all these kids still aren’t taken over by technology and lack understanding of social context.

It’s irrevocable, the damage experience does to you. And just like the damage, so is learning. So celebrate everything that has happened to you. You wouldn’t be you without it.

Celebrate that you get to be yourself instead of having to pretend to the media. Celebrate because you’re normal, celebrate being talented. 

People celebrate when something brings a lot of positive emotions. Celebration leads to positive emotions.

You don’t even need a reason – Celebrate to celebrate.



Kanksha

Top Five Favourite Movies

Disclaimer: My impressions of Chief Bogo and Mr. Big are cringeworthy incase you plan to listen to the audio over/while reading the whole thing. 


I detest choosing favourites. There are so many different genres, and each genre has it’s own prodigy. To not narrow my options down by specifying a genre becomes unfair, but I will try.

Fortunately, Bollywood is an easy elimination. I have this family tradition where we go watch a movie every Diwali, and every year has been such a disappointment. My favourite Diwali movies, hence, I can tell you. Action Replay tops the list, with Prem Ratan Dhan Payo a close second. (They’re awful, please don’t watch them.)

I believe that I have a soft corner for Disney movies. Maybe it’s the child in me that likes the guarantee of having a happy ever after while watching one. Even when I read, I have a terrible habit of reading the last few pages so that I’m prepared for how the book will end. That’s also probably why a book has never made me cry, because I know what’s going to happen. But I digress.

My favourite movie has to be Zootopia.



I absolutely love it and can watch it repeatedly without getting bored of it. The bunny and fox have really funny banter, they’re exceedingly sarcastic, and the film is a satire on what society is today.

"My dear, we may be evolved, but deep down, we're still animals.” ~ Mr. Big
It also has jokes on itself.
“Life isn't some cartoon musical where you sing a little song and all your insipid dreams magically come true. So let it go.” ~ Chief Bogo
It isn’t a love story, has a happy ending, and makes me want to hug the person who wrote the script. You won’t stop smiling throughout the film, I promise.

Another movie that I’ve really liked is Fight Club. Maybe others realised what the movie was about, but I didn’t till the very end. I was confounded till they spelt it out, and that’s why it makes it to the list. The film is very much alive and makes you think.
I don’t think I should say much because I’m afraid I’ll reveal the plot.

Moving to romantic comedies, The Proposal gets all my votes.

If you haven’t realised already, tragedies aren’t my thing, neither are sad endings. And I prefer stuff that lightens up my day. The Proposal does exactly that. Being the only rom-com that made me laugh (I did watch it with my very funny cousins so maybe can’t just attribute that to the movie), it gets a full score.

But how can I forget Wonder Woman, oh my god, that movie is incredible. The entire first half is full of amazing women who can hold their own. It’s stunning how she carries herself into a country of men and war, has the right mix of humour, suspense, and seriousness and the film makes you root for her to help stop the war every single minute. It helps you understand that everyone has good and evil in them, and which part they choose to act on makes all the difference. It also shows how every moment is ephemral and we must enjoy it while it lasts.

I love her innocence, I love how determined she is, and I am so thankful that someone finally made a film with a woman who is a superhero and not just the love interest of one.

So here you go, I present to you a list of top five movies which has only four items in it. The only other place you’ll probably find such a list is in Java, but only some people will get this joke.

Nonetheless, now that I’ve written my stress off for the day, I must go and begin working again.

Lot’s of love,
Kanksha

Why you love others more than yourself

It's not people fighting that makes me unhappy. It's them fighting about the same things and having the same discussions and the same issues coming up that leaves me perplexed. How can the same issue come up again and again? And why can't they ever sort it out once and for all.

I think it is because we don't believe in going to the root cause and trying to make things okay. The aim is to stop fighting, not solve the problem. Everything needs to be okay right now, and in the now you aren't supposed to think about the long run. To top it off, when two people are fighting, another person will get involved and try to solve it (read: subdue it) which leads to them never having properly come to a conclusion, unspoken thoughts, built up emotions and another storm brewing inside their head which will rage even harder than the previous one.

Remember the third person that I mentioned who tries to solve the problem? We're all that person when we aren't fighting. We all think differently when we aren't involved.

For instance, you'll often hear people complaining about their relationships and going back to the same person again and again. But when you ask them if they'd let their best friend or sibling go through the same, they so no almost immediately. 

Human beings have double standards. They apply some ideas to themselves, and much more refined ones to others. They're hard on themselves when they shouldn't be, and keep hold of stuff when they should let go. The issue is they stop caring enough about themselves along the way. At the same time, there are also people who don't care about others half as much as they pamper themselves.

I wouldn't have made another batch of pasta for myself. But I did find it in me to make some for Aditi's sister, even if that meant chopping extra vegetables, making more white sauce and putting more pasta to boil. (In which process, I made more for myself too.)

Even when I give advice to people, it often differs from what advice I give myself. Like for instance, if someone is barely eating, I'd admonish them and get them to eat more. But when I barely drink water, do I get mad at myself and drink more? Nope, I just let it go.

I think the double standards stem from how important you believe you are. If I believe someone is important to me, I'll do whatever it takes to keep them safe or make them comfortable and happy. I'll go out of my way to ensure they get the very best. But if I have the self esteem of a brick wall, which can be picked apart brick by brick, I'll never feel that I deserve the best or even strive to get exactly what I want.

So as clichéd as it sounds, take care of yourself, let the fights lead to peace, and love always <3

Kanksha

Spotted: A clown on a cycle, futuristic rain-saver and more

I love India. I think it is just one of those places where you find all sorts of crazy stuff that other people would never get to experience. And while every place has their own set of unique experiences, I'll always be biased to ours.

For instance, it's really amusing how we communicate with each other when we are on the road. We blink the lights when we're annoyed at the person who's in front, the Japanese do that as a thank you. We honk to let pedestrians know we're coming, we honk when we reach below someone's building to call them down. We roll down the window, shake hands and converse as the signal shifts from red to green.

Have you ever seen a clown on a cycle, though? I spotted this guy a couple of weeks ago (from when I wrote this post) at Marine Drive. He was having so much fun, or so it seemed, cycling around at marine drive and waving to people as he passed by.

And then there are these scooter umbrellas that have taken this city by the storm (note the pun pun pun) They look adorable and I wonder why no one else thought of this before.

My college had a fire drill where they didn't evacuate the xerox people making it obvious that it was a false alarm (but we did get to skip class so that was nice). This photo was clicked after I had gone back inside. 

And then there are people like my sister who strategically place post its so that they get woken up on time. 

Yes, there are flaws. 

The Elphinstone bridge stampede uncovering how many deaths happen due to train travel alone is one of them. Women posting "Me too" on social media makes everyone realise that it probably isn't as safe as we believe it to be either.

And I do think something should be done about it.

But other than complaining to each other and ranting on social media, what have we done?

As always, thanks for reading

Kanksha :)

Does movement make you happy?

It’s funny that I’m thinking of writing about movement when it’s clearly Aditi who’s more of an expert in this field ~ she’s done a dance movement therapy course people ~. But I’m inspired and in an incredible mood so I’m not about to stop myself. I’ll warn you in advance that I have no idea where this is going to go but I’m excited to find out.

We’re constantly moving. I’m moving as I type, I move as I walk, breathe, eat and sleep. I uninhibitedly move as I listen to music.

I use the word move and not dance because I don’t think there’s much dance in it. It’s just the tapping of my foot, nodding my head and shoulders doing a weird thing with maybe even a side wave in the middle. I think that’s why it’s so much fun to watch people when they do not-very-choreographed dance. There’s raw emotion in there, or no emotion at all. It’s probably just people living in the moment that brings a smile on my face, I don’t know.

And then there is the emotional moving on. Sometimes we get so stuck on certain opinions or beliefs and it becomes super hard to change them or even imagine something other than that could be okay.

I saw this picture once and immediately agreed. Then I saw the same picture with a couple of extra lines added in the comments about how someone must have drawn it thinking it was a six or nine, we just don’t know what that person thought and that only one of those people arguing are right. Which got me thinking that beliefs are at the end of the day, cue the drumroll, beliefs.

When we have already established beliefs, I think it’s important to understand that one thing could have been interpreted in multiple ways, and any of the ways could be correct, depending on what the creator of the belief thought (which is something we may never know in some cases *religion*).

But I was talking about moving on. Often one gets attached to a person. Best friends you no longer talk to, maybe even someone you loved. And this is where the moving gets messy and hard. There are so many memories attached, so many nuances, lives you knew about but there is no point knowing anymore. Buckets of information basically, and you don’t know what to do with it. But then you deal with it through movement itself, generating endorphin to elevate your mood and make peace with yourself. Moving on tends to be a very positive thing, so albeit being difficult, I'd say it leaves you happy in the long run.

I deal with my mood - happy or sad - using movement. Your head and body are always in sync with how you feel. Which is why changing how your body functions will change how you feel as well.

Painting is moving your hands with the rhythm in your head, when people knit they use thread instead. As you chop the vegetables or stir the batter making sure there are no lumps, you’re moving. As you clean up your room and fold the laundry, you’re doing something. It’s actually fun cleaning up with blaring music, maybe you should try it someday.

But as I ponder further, I realise that maybe it isn’t just the movement that leaves you feeling great. I think the movement ensures that you’re doing something. It generally leaves you with focus and direction towards creating something, sometimes with a physical end product, others with a better mindspace.

Or it just leaves you with a clean bedroom and happy mother.

(I still think it's a good bargain.)

Kanksha

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