Why can't men take a no?

DISCLAIMER: This post is targeted at men because what I am going to talk about (spam texting in hope of a reply which comes off as super creepy and which is completely uncalled for) is something that I am aware most women have faced at some point in their life. From what I know, men do not go through the same. I may be wrong.

A friend of mine from school had told me two years ago that he knew that a girl from my class was dating a guy from his class. And I found that very surprising for reasons I will not get into, but never asked the girl about it to respect her privacy. Fast forward to her and me sitting in the car on our way to Lonavala, and I couldn't help but ask her about it. She denied that she even knew anyone from my friend's university. This did not make sense, since I knew neither of them was lying. Since that day, she kept reminding me from time to time to ask my school friend who the mystery guy was.

And just a few days ago, I did. Turns out she was not dating him at all, and mystery guy in fact was a creep who has been sending her a 'hi' since the past few years, but the conversation never goes beyond that. My girl friend proceeded to send me screenshots, and expressed her disbelief at how a person could make such a claim. My guy friend was shocked because he thought he knew that person, and thought mystery guy was a decent guy.

How can educated people keep spamming girls? Is it so difficult to understand that the lack of response means a no? Do they have no respect for what the girl wants? And do they have no respect for themselves?

I have had a guy who kept messaging me from 2013 to 2016 every once in 3-4 months. I never responded to anything except the Happy Birthday message, and that is because not saying thank you felt a little rude. In hindsight, I should have probably blocked him, just as my girl friend should have blocked (now not) mystery guy instead of tolerating the messages. But we did not, not wanting to be rude, and tried to explain through hints. Now I understand that blocking them is not rude, but sometimes necessary. Fun fact: A friend of mine told me that the guy who used to text me currently has a couple of patents and papers in his name. Clearly, he has the ability to think. Where does the thinking go otherwise?

So here's a request to all the guys out there. If you are reading this, I hope you understand that a lack of response means that she does not want to talk to you. If she does not give you the time of the day, that means she does not want to interact with you. If she says no when you ask her out once, twice, or even thrice, she does not want to be with you. No means no.

People need to start taking our no seriously and in a healthy way. Rejection is something that most of us go through at different phases of life. Maybe a person rejected you, maybe a university, maybe a company. But the ability to respect the decision of who rejected you, and working on yourself to become an overall better person is an art. 

If a person rejected you, go follow life and relationship coaches on Instagram. They'll teach you how to have healthy boundaries, get better focus, and make every other part of your life so meaningful that you'll find someone even more right for you eventually like magic. If a company rejected you, begin working even harder, and once you have made the change, apply again to a bunch of places, or perhaps build a company yourself. Additionally, you need to understand that people rarely reject you because you are you. They reject you because they are looking for something and that something is not you. That does not mean you need to change yourself to fit a description. You need to find the place where you fit naturally, where you are wanted, and only then will you definitely feel like you belong. 

Please, to all men around the world (and women too), learn to deal with rejection. Learn how to take a no. Do the inner work. Do work towards getting better work. Respect the decisions of the decision makers and do not let it affect you long term in any other way than doing better. (You can feel sad for a while, that's only human.) Also, have respect for yourself, and do not chase people or things-who-do-not-want-you the same way you want them. 

The next time you text a girl 'hi' and she doesn't reply, for once please say goodbye.

If you have been texting a girl 'hi' and she has not been replying, for once please say goodbye. 

Thanks,

Kanksha

P.S. While the blog post does not answer the question in the title, I would love to know if someone can tell me what it is.

Today's reminder

You are the electricity
Powering so many more
With just your own being.

You are the plant
That is a little bent
But still keeps growing till it reaches space.

You are that pothole
That the BMC stopped having to fix
Because you became stronger from the inside.

You are not the stream
Or the river or the sea
But the entire ocean.

You are the mischief
In a box of nerds
Sweet yet coated in sour.

And I cherish you.
And value you.
And so does everyone else.


Have a great day.
Smile the 200-watt smile - that's where the electricity will stem from and get transferred.
Drink enough water, and get out of your house into the sunlight. That is how you will grow.
Get mad at the potholes since they will soon all get filled because the elections are coming up.
Sit by the sea, or stare at a mountain, and go to the park if you can reach neither place accompanied by a bag full of candy.

And once again, have a great day.
(I mean, if you do all of the above, how can you not)
Kanksha

The opposite of a rollercoaster

I don't miss you.

I miss the person who found the most random excuses just to see me. I long for the person who told me to not feel low when I was sad, that I was terrific, and that they were proud of me. I choose to hold on to those words because they are better than the ones that told me that being friends was something they had been forcing themselves to do since months, and in reality now want nothing to do with me. It is still difficult to let go of the sweet conversations, vivid memories, and plans that we hoped would unfold.

But I have come to the conclusion that the only way to let go of the past is to hold on to it.

Hold on to that person. Hold on to the person who you felt so strongly about. Remember what that person used to do. Remember what that person used to say. If that person was here today, they would be telling you off about how you feel crappy about yourself. They would be devastated knowing what they knowingly or unknowingly did to you. The lack of communication about each other's wants and needs would kill them. Letting you go would not have been an option. Love, understanding, trust - it would all be there.

It was like the opposite of a rollercoaster. You both start from a high, and irrespective of how many lows you slowly drop down to, you rush back up and stay on top for a while. The end point is high up as well - you guys will always figure things out and be on good terms, and the knowledge that you will reach that place makes you feel safe and secure.

What we had seems like a rollercoaster now. We got back down and stayed there. In this life, where time is money, there isn't enough for another ride. There was leftover change for the bumper cars, but the more we tried to get close to each other, the more we got thrown apart in different directions.

I don't think I want to take any ride anymore.

I miss that person. But I do not miss you.

Holding on to that person is how I will let you go.

It is by remembering that in life, the opposite of a rollercoaster is what I want.
Kanksha ♥

the red-bellied mosquito

I was lounging on the bed, trying to figure out why my n-dimensional array's iterator was failing for a particular case. The iterator is something I have been working on in iterations. Every time I think I am done with it, I find myself going back trying to fix it. Sort of like a messy relationship haha I'm funny.

But anyway, back to me lounging on my bed, the bed just made by the help, sunlight pouring through the windows. Suddenly I see a mosquito on my laptop. Most normal people would have killed it. Me strongly believing in the concept of "live and let live" in spite of having got malaria thrice in my life, let it rest in peace alive. Insects when they are not flying always fascinate me - they are tiny, and we generally never get to observe them while they are going crazy around us - so I took a closer look, as close as I dared to go. It had a red belly. Woah, I thought. The white belly turns red when it drinks blood. That is SO COOL.

I ran and got my father's iPhone 6. (I mention 6 so that people do not think that I am showing off.) Why do I mention iPhone? Myself having a Motorolla with a shitty camera, and my mom and grandmom's phone no better, it was my best bet. Got a couple of blurry pictures though.

the blurry red-bellied mosquito

Took a few more from the other side. These were clearer, but the red was not visible.

the other side

Eventually, the mosquito flew away. I was disappointed because I did not get the perfect shot.

So I walk over to my father, and show him the red belly. My mother gives more of a reaction than he does, so I proceed to show her the less-blurry non-red-belly-visible side. And her eyes go wider because it really looked great with the white and black stripes. And with dad's piqued interest, I move towards him on the other sofa. He looks at me worriedly telling me it was a mosquito that caused dengue.

Looks familiar?

I began laughing because I did have two fresh mosquito bites.
Dad asked me to apply neem oil on it immediately.
Mom wanted me to rush and get papaya leaves and figure out how dengue can be prevented.

With a small Google Search, found out that if I have been infected by the dengue virus, I will experience symptoms anywhere between four to seven days. Will keep you guys updated :P

I found it quite funny that I caught the little guy/girl? on camera, and thought that maybe you would too. It's good that this happened. I get to drink the most bitter juice (papaya leaves) for a week straight. YAY ME.

Sigh. Not yay me.

I'm sure this has a silver lining, I just haven't seen it yet.

Okay bye, wish me luck, thanks for reading!
Kanksha

Acceptance (not to a university (yet!))

These days, I am anxious all the time. I am anxious from the moment when I wake up and grab my phone to check whether a university has sent a decision yet. I am worried about how I am going to cook healthy on my own in just five months. My brain is confused by the excitement in figuring out how to live my life, the fear of being all alone, and want to cling to the comfort of my home.

I am not the biggest fan of my smile - my dentist friend once spoke about smile fixing explaining how the gums of someone are seen and I applied that to myself. As a kid I hated my hair. It was too frizzy and curly. It still is too frizzy. The straight fronts make me miss my curls. I have a gigantic forehead. I wanted a thigh gap back in high school. I wished my body type was narrower, skin tone a few shades lighter, lips less grey and more pink.

Failing at things bothers me. I am afraid of not being good at things. I made sure that I could run before I began going to a run club. I made sure that I could touch my toes before I began yoga class (although that was not enough). The only time I am okay with being a beginner is if I am surrounded by beginners. Which is pretty ridiculous, but the idea of being bad at something is too scary to explore.

Okay Kanksha, you have displayed that things bother you. And these things bother a lot of people. People are anxious about a variety of things. Most of your friends are currently worried about getting into their dream University. Then there are people who feel that they don't look that great. And there also exist people with the fear of failure. (Mind you, these three are just examples that I am discussing, what I say next applies to so much more!) So what do you think they should do about it?

There are two ways to go about this, and there's no easy way to say it.

Either I could tell you that you will get your dream job, dream University, or dream girl. I could tell you that you look like the next supermodel. But there is no guarantee that anything I said is true, and my words will not help you in any way except give you temporary relief and perhaps even more pain if the outcome is not my predicted rosy one.

So then we have option two which involves me saying what is real. Option two involves YOU telling yourself what is real. Maybe you will get in, maybe you will get a letter of rejection. Maybe you look great, maybe you look average (maybe you do not look good at all). It's a fact, some people are more beautiful than the others, and that is not your fault. It's the acceptance of what is going to happen in life has no guarantee that sets you free. It's the acceptance of yourself wholly, that makes you feel confident and good about yourself. It's the acceptance of failure and being bad at something, that allows you to eventually excel at it if you want to.

I urge you to accept things for the way they are. It is hard and it sucks. Most of the times we want to stick to our happy little place. But sometimes we are forced to get out of there.

So when you are forced, get out. Feel the discomfort but do not be bogged down by it. Accept the unknown. Accept everything about yourself. If you don't like something, see how you can change it. If you can't change it, embrace it.

I am certain you will feel better. Just keep trying.
Kanksha