the end

I wrote most of this blog on Dec 25th, 2024. I didn’t publish it back then, because I got cold feet. But I had the thought of writing a final post on this blog before I stopped posting here for good. And I think I’m ready to do it right now. I’m also worried if I don’t do it now, I never will. 

This all started at Aditi’s grandmother’s house back on 29th March, 2013. I wanted to write. I wanted other people to enjoy my writing. And I wanted something tangible that would keep me and my friend connected. So we picked an afternoon and created this, with the email id, name, and icon and colour scheme all in one afternoon. Aditi has almost never written on this blog, and my blog never became big or went viral. But it did serve the first purpose - it gave me a platform to publish my written work, the confidence to share what I was thinking, and learn how to refine my thoughts as I typed them out. 

This blog over a period of time became a little bit of a journal too. I kept drawing inspiration from real life, trying my best to conceal the details, yet allow myself to be raw. It was therapeutic to be able to publish something, not necessarily share it with friends and family on social media, and leave it to destiny and the internet that the people it had to reach, it would. 

Been a few months since 2025 has begun, and I feel like I am closest to the person I was back in 2013 than ever before in some ways. I’m hopeful about the magic and kindness present in the world. I feel less concerned with what others around me think. I’m a lot more comfortable with the idea of trying and failing, my belief that I can do anything is slowly coming back. I want to try. I want to live and am feeling the excitement to know what life has to offer. 

I am also more humbled by life than I have ever been before. I listen more. I hope I am not taking anyone or anything for granted. Life has kept teaching me lessons on letting go, and it continues to (really really continues to) push me to the edge until I’ve fully understood it. I’m learning that when you’re having fun, don’t question it. And when you’re crying in bed at night, don’t question it either. Life passes and moves on, whether we like it or not. We switch from laughing to crying and back to laughing before we realize it. Everything we feel is temporary. 

I used to tell someone important to me - instead of procrastinating, just try doing something for ten minutes. And try that again. And if you still don’t feel like doing it, then it’s okay to switch over to something else. Most times, taking that action for ten minutes, and giving it two attempts, will change how you feel… instead of waiting to feel differently to take action. It’s hard for me to follow my own advice, but I have been trying. 

So with all of the above cryptic advice, and thoughts, I am going to let this blog go. 

It has been a wonderful 12 years. I’ve had a great place to express myself. Thank you for reading. Thank you for being here.

Perhaps it’s time for something new. I don’t know what yet. I will figure it out. 

Love,

Kanksha 

used to be pretty

The song Used to Be Pretty just came on autoplay, and it made me smile. The lyrics talk about a woman looking back on herself at different ages, always realizing in hindsight that she was pretty—at 23, she thought her 19-year-old self was pretty, and at 19, she thought her 16-year-old self was. It resonated with me because I’ve always had a habit of disliking most photos of myself in the moment, only to look back years later and see them differently — seeing that version of me as pretty in its own way.

It reminded me of something a speech and drama teacher told me seven years ago. She said that every time she looks at her younger self, she wonders why she ever believed she wasn’t pretty in the moment. Her words have stuck with me because, honestly, I think that’s a universal experience for women—especially post-teenage years. We’re so quick to find things about ourselves that feel like they aren’t enough, yet with time and distance, we realize that version of us was more than enough. We’ve changed and grown—hopefully for the better—but somehow, the present version still doesn’t feel like it measures up.

And really, feeling enough—pretty enough, kind enough, intelligent enough, strong enough, patient enough, passionate enough—is one of the hardest things to hold onto. Yet, it’s probably the most important thing we could build: the belief that our worth isn’t defined by others, the world, or our circumstances. That we define it.

And the real magic begins when self-belief is strong enough to know we are enough — but the drive to grow remains alive enough too.

Okay enough said :)

Kanksha <3

Day 31

It’s day 31 of being in the gym from the last 81 days. I had decided that this was it, and I had to get stronger whether I liked it or not for all the things I dream of being able to do. So even though it’s boring, and even though I’m clueless, and I hated it along with the idea of being trapped in a room full of well built sweaty people going all out in their effort…. it had to be done. 

It took 31 days to begin to like it. Because I entered the gym today and I was mildly excited. I think I like the gym because of the pauses it allows me to take. With running and cycling it’s more about getting into a flow state, not thinking, and continuing without stopping. But with lifting weights, I get to stop after every set and it is in fact encouraged!! So cool. 

And I really like how the pauses allow my thoughts to wander. You get to look into space and just think. Or not think if you’re too tired to. Or even scroll instagram but thankfully I don’t do that yet. 

I don’t think I’ve got much stronger yet. I don’t push myself the way I see others - friends and strangers - push themselves. But my muscles do feel tired. The goal here is consistency first, and the assumption is that progress will show itself. So we are being patient and giving it time. 

I feel like the whole of December to myself without many friends around was good for me. I got time to visualize how I wanted my life to be. Which habits I wanted to create. Feeling more motivated to work hard this year. At work, on my fitness, on seeing more sunrises, on learning new things and learning them well. 

But more than anything else, just genuinely want each day to be a good day. And I guess a good day isn’t necessarily when everything good happens. It’s when you find something to smile about irrespective. Your car broke down? At least a friend came to help. Didn’t feel like getting out of bed? At least you watched the sun set. 

I feel that it’s so easy to forget all the things in our control that make any day better, and it’s somehow difficult to actually do those things when you’re feeling glum. Usually my advice to anyone who tells me they are going through a hard time is to make sure they do something they enjoy, everyday, even if it’s just for 10 mins in a day. But I think it’s just good practice to do that anyway. That way it’s easier to keep up with it on the harder ones :) 

Lots of loveeeee. 

to each day being a ‘good’ day and more days at the gym this year 

Kanksha 

PS: ofc I wrote this in the breaks I took at the gym

take what you like, make it your own

I used to envy people who could write long, meaningful, and complex sentences. The writing felt so... clever. And I'm pretty sure there was a time in my life that I tried to mimic that exact style. It never came out right. 

In my teenage years, the girls who could wear a high pony tail looked cool. Skinny jeans were in fashion. Along with low waisted pants, shiny party dresses, and tank tops. I tried to fit in, but after all these years, I don't own any of the above anymore.

I'm glad to have built a sense of style as I grew up. With my mom caring about the latest trends getting home magazines for inspiration and ever willing to try out different stuff, to my sister approaching it textbook style from the perspective of colour theory and what flatters different body types, I borrowed different ideologies and now have my own. 

I dress like my mother, and my sister, and the girl on the subway who had this amazing bag, and the woman at work who has the same hair that I do. 

I don't know where my writing style is borrowed from, but I write the exact way that I would talk. And the way that I talk is ever influenced by the people around me. So perhaps my writing is a culmination of everyone I have ever spoken to all my life. 

We take what we like from different people, and make it our own. And doing anything a particular person's way is never going to feel absolutely right for oneself - we need to keep exploring until we settle on what feels right to us - for every. single. thing. that we do. And do that on repeat.

I think that pretty much sums up the entire human experience. :P

Love,

Kanksha

stayed the same

Being in the same place at a different time of my life has been an interesting experience for me. As I take the train, I find myself remembering the same music I used to listen to. I plugged in the charger in my room at night, and found myself standing against the bookshelf remembering all the times I've texted people from there at midnight when my battery was about to drain out. I sat on the step in my room, because the bed with the back rest is too far to connect to the wifi, and smiled to myself at how some things just don't change. 

Yet so many things do. My sister isn't at home anymore and I have seen her twice in the 15 days I have been here so far, and I hopefully will see her at least two more times. I sleep in my grandmom's room without my grandmom, so now it's technically my room, but it feels weird, and my own old room is still the only one that feels like mine. I don't know where stuff is kept in the house anymore. 

There is construction on the road, and so much dust because of it. Friends are actually getting married. Yet besides the weddings, things aren't really the same. Parents are growing older. I have dentist visits and doctor visits that are a priority - signs of me growing older too. 

Everyone and everything is growing and changing. 

And in this constant change, I feel grateful for the little things that have stayed the same - healthy and yummy food ready everyday, reminders to invest my money, a passion for wearing good clothes. And grateful for the people with whom relationships have stayed the same. They make me feel grounded and provide a sense of comfort and home that nothing else can ♥

Love,
Kanksha

short poem: contradictions

There is a joy of living because we die

And happiness because we cry

Only after a sun sets can a sun rise 

The feeling of all knowing that leads to surprise

All our feelings are a disguise for something new 

Something different,

Unpredictable evermore

have no wifi at home

My building did this amazing thing where they forgot to tell us they would not switch us over to the new default Internet provider. And what this means for us is that we need to schedule appointments to get access to the internet. Appointments were about 10 days from when we found out, so now my flatmate and I are undergoing a digital detox whether we like it or not. No watching TV, actually having to get up and switch on or off the lights, and no access to our personal laptops either. (We work from office so that's mostly unaffected). 

And all of this coupled with my Instagram detox, I feel like I'm undergoing some kind of withdrawal symptoms 😂

The last three days have been filled with SO MUCH free time. I come home and don't understand what to do next. Sleeping at 10pm feels like a lucrative option because I don't know what else is possible. We went to whole foods for a walk and came back. Spent time silently reading a book after dinner. Scrolled H&M on my phone. Removed the clothes from the dryer but felt too lazy to fold them so they're lying on the empty half of my bed. I'll hopefully get to the pile tonight. 

I never realized how much of my time and brain supposedly mindless activities take up. Maybe this Wifi less period is a blessing in disguise. I hope I start feeling like doing other better things with my time. And I hope I learn how to stay bored without getting frustrated. 

Try watching no TV for 3 days. I'll be surprised if you don't go through something similar. Will keep you updated on how I feel after a week!!!!

Love,

Kanksha 

happy new year

There's this prompt going on out there about having a word for the year, or a vision for how you want it to be. I've been doing it for the last two years and it went pretty well for me - 2022 was about building strength, and 2023 was about being more free to experiment with new things if I feel like it. I think this year I've been able to say yes to the things that bring me immediate joy or satisfy my curiosity more easily than I have in the past. And now I'd like 2024 to be about practicing delayed gratification. 

There are so many things that I want to do in life. And they're all going to take time, need dedicated consistent effort, and a lot more emotional regulation than what I believe I have today to focus on what truly matters to me. So I'm going to give myself one thing to do each quarter which I think should help me along the way. 

The first quarter I'll just try to reduce my current source of an instant dopamine boost - Instagram - by checking it just once a day for not more than 10 minutes. Currently I use it to fill up the gaps, spending either 2 hours on the app or 2 minutes in a day depending on how interested I am in what I am doing. But just leaving those 2 hours empty I hope will push me to do something more constructive, or just allow me to be bored, which would be great. 

I think my second quarter is going to be a promise to write 5 sentences everyday. Awesome for me if I end up writing more, but I've got to learn how to start with something I know I enjoy and want even though I am not in the mood for it. 

A habit I've already introduced in my life is ensuring I drink a glass of water everyday. The third quarter, I'll target ensuring I drink 3. Should definitely help my health long term, even if I don't like believing it's affecting me. 

I don't know what I should do in the last quarter yet. I'm sure I'll come up with something along the way. But the stakes for me actually doing this for the year are high. Nothing else in my invisible list of things I want to do in a particular quarter will matter if it's coming in the way of not checking Instagram, writing 5 sentences, or drinking 3 glasses of water. And ideally, those things shouldn't come in the way of anything anyway. 

I really want this year to be one where I invest in myself and have the patience to stay invested. I'm trying to make it as easy as possible while it still being challenging for me to set myself up for success. 

I hope I leave the year having proven to myself that 1) you don't need to feel happy or engaged every moment to truly feel okay 2) your actions are capable of changing how you feel, instead of your feelings having control over your actions and 3) you care about your well being even when doing so feels hard or frustrating and the harm isn't imminent 

Do you have a word or theme for this year? If so, what is it going to be? And what's your plan to help yourself succeed in achieving it?

Love, 

Kanksha 

NC 500 let's goooooo!

Hello hello people of the world. Here's the itinerary.

Day 1

- Take a train from London to Edinburgh - we took the London Northeastern Railway Azuma (4.5 hours)

- Climb up Arthur's seat for a view of the city. (2 hour round trip for an average person)

- Go to Carlton Hill for some history and a closer look at the city from above. (might take about 45 mins end to end. There's a pretty candlelight spot on top for something special)

- Drive up to Inverness 

Stay at: Rossal House Apartments. It was the most spacious living space of our entire trip with a living area and two rooms, and super affordable compared to other places. https://www.booking.com/hotel/gb/rossal-house.html

Jain Food options: Sen Viet, Roti 

Day 2

- Our original ambitious plan for this day was to visit Corrieshalloch gorge, hike up Stac Pollaidh, and walk the trail to Bone Caves. It was raining and cold, so we visited Urquhart Castle instead. Do the audio tour there and walk the ruins. It's slightly cheaper to buy tickets online (1.5 pounds pp)

- We went to Bone Caves next. It's about 4km, but took us almost 2 hours since we started at 5:46pm and there was no daylight + lots of rocks, puddles, and a stream right next to us for most part. Expect lots of deer sounds and sightings!

Stay at: NC 500 Pods, Achmelvich. A little tight for 4 people, but the heated floors and how stocked it was with utensils was perfect for us. They also have games and a campfire pit. https://www.northcoast500.com/listing/nc500-pods-achmelvich/

Jain Food options: we picked up croissants and tea from an Aldis alongwith other grocery to make a hummus sandwich for everyone at night (hummus brand Sabra)

Day 3

- First stop was Loch na Gainmhich falls. We kept losing people to the mud and rain even though it was a 15 min walk so it was just me at the end. Basically prepare for wet weather, carry extra socks, or be prepared to be cold the rest of the day. I saw a guy with an umbrella and flip flops. Genius.

- We went to Smoo Caves next. It was the most low effort high reward thing we had done so far. Due to the weather, we couldn't do the boat tour which we were really looking forward to. But man, what a beautiful waterfall inside the cave. And it's fronted by a mini beach and a cute bridge in the photo below that takes you there. 

Stay at: Strathy Bay Pods. It was GORGEOUS. Aesthetic. Spacious enough. And had the best view to wake up to. The lady who runs it is super sweet. We stargazed at night. Loved loved loved this place. https://www.strathybaypods.co.uk/

Jain Food options: Smoo cave hotel (they gave grilled cheese) and the regular chhole and lasagna was amazing, have a friend make you pasta for dinner with pesto sauce from the brand seggiano wild fennel

Day 4: 

Original plan was to also cycle at Loch Ness around the lake but we reached too late.

- We drove to John O Groats. It's a really nice viewpoint. We enjoyed the swing, gift shops, and distillery there. Touched what we thought was Arctic water. We got some fun facts about how high and fast the waves can be. You could also go to the lighthouse a little far away, we had no time.

- Had lunch at a huge Tesco we saw on our way and got a large grocery store shopping experience

- We did the Caithness Seacoast tour: https://www.caithness-seacoast.co.uk/ which we all agree were the best 38 pounds per person we spent on this trip. We saw things that we've never seen before - natural arches in the water, caves, stalagmite on top of caves, sea stacks, learned about the harbour, local history and a couple of castles on the banks, and saw some seals and birds. It was 90 mins, and it just ended up being 4 of us so was a private tour. 

- Drive to Fort Augustus. 

Stay options: Caledonian Canal Center, Loch Chambers: https://www.visitinvernesslochness.com/listings/lock-chambers-caledonian-canal-centre

Jain food options: avocado toast and crumpets from Tesco, made a hummus sandwich at night again

Day 5: 

- Walked upto the Loch Ness Viewpoint. Saw the monster but couldn't capture it on camera!! 

- Drive up to Edinburgh

- Do the walking tour. The one we did was really cool. It spoke about the literally dirty history of Edinburgh where people would throw sewage from the windows in the 1600s, to how witch hunting was a thing, the cruelty of hanging people right next to a church, and bringing life back to the city with private gardens. 

- We had planned to visit the castle, but I ended up selling 3 of the 4 tickets instead because I was so tired and didn't feel up for it (was so proud of myself for selling them). My friend did visit though, and he said it was underwhelming. I think we were all just tired. 

- The 3 of us just walked around and enjoyed the city. Bought shortbread, got some hot chocolate, and sat at Princes Garden. 

And it was time to go home.

In our trip we saw

Rainbows, rain, snow, sunlight, mist

Barrels of hay

Green grass 

Ocean beyond

Random stone structures

Black birds in the sky

Misty clouds 

Green grass so deep you sink

Hints of golden brown everywhere

Stones stones stones 

Building things up

Did I mention sheep?

Cliffs and drops and single lane roads 

Seals running in the water

Hidden caves 

Castles and ruins

Arches  

And felt so much peace, comfort, fun, and love. 

The end <3

delusion

I believe in an ideal world

I believe that people care

That people show up

That relationships are what makes us human

Doesn't it suck when you're the reason

That someone realizes something

About themselves

But someone else benefits from the changed behaviour

How do you make your peace 

With your effort

When the relationship takes a different course 

How do you not feel wronged 

How do you stop wishing for something different

How do you not feel upset

Or disappointed with yourself and the other person

How do relationships just die

How do they lose their importance

Without a single trigger 

Just like that

How do you fall out of love

Maybe just the way you fall in love

Small significant yet insignificant things

Add up without you knowing

Until you suddenly know.

messing up is good, learning from it helps you grow

I'm really working on changing my mindset to one that priorities learning, turns a blind eye to judgement, and strives to get better each day. The goal needs to be to get progressively better, not to be the best. You are not going to know everything all the time, but alongwith people, together you will figure it out. 

We have teams for a reason. Communities for a reason. We learn from each other. We learn from our experiences. We learn from other's experiences. I've heard a lot of the stuff I am writing here today, but it makes so much more sense right now. 

I feel like I couldn't get things right at work consistently lately. But these things I didn't get right today - I will be able to do them better the next time. I felt like I should have been able to figure some things out, things that someone else with more experience managed to figure out after me. Instead of feeling like crap, my friend reminded me that I'm a part of a team, I need to give experience the respect it deserves, sit with the person and understand what I missed, and shift my thinking from self pity to celebrating a win for the team and continuous learning. 

I was feeling really upset with myself for having to iterate so many times on some of my work. But I spoke to someone I look up to today, and was reminded how ideally, when you mess things up, a mentor's role is to help you learn, and keep giving you opportunities to apply those learnings. And that really has happened to me all my life. I have messed up. But I have not stopped getting opportunities to be better. So I am grateful for that. 

It's funny though. When I was getting things right at work, it had kind of felt like I had stopped learning a lot. The learning curve has suddenly increased again lately, which is really exciting... and I can't wait to conquer this mountain (which is also only preparing me to summit another one after) 😊

Thank you to everyone who gave me perspective. It was much needed, and it is much appreciated!!

Love,

Kanksha 

so sleepy

When I feel something strongly

It's easy to write 

But sometimes with words 

I feel like I'm in a fight 

The feelings are strong

Everything I type just sounds wrong 

I can't articulate

Just not in this state 

But what I do know

Is that noting things down

Is what'll help me release 

feeling great today

I played table tennis today and it made me feel so happy. Happier than it should have I think. Just pure joy of making a shot. Being completely happy playing even if I lost (which doesn't happen so often believe me). The joy of trying new things. Idk I just had a great time. 

I feel more excited these days. More energetic, more like myself. I feel like I'm taking things personally less, because I'm more confident in who I am. I feel prettier, which is such a weird thing to feel. 

I feel less alone. I feel like the possibilities are endless. This city is so empowering and inviting for people to explore, I am beginning to realize what all it has to offer (thanks to my sister). All that one needs to do is go outside. Take a walk. No cash needed either. Stare at the clouds moving fast. Look at the eccentric buildings. Watch people wearing the most interesting clothes. Sit at the subway and listen to people play peaceful music. Put your hand in the middle and feel exhilarated as you stop the train. Sit at the park and read a book. Walk into a museum. Apply for a lottery and watch a play on Broadway and magic will be before your eyes. 

So much to do. I can do things with a friend, I can have adventures myself. I can compliment a stranger, and get complimented myself. What a wonderful place to be in. 

I'm feeling great today. That's really not how I feel everyday. But I'm writing this as a reminder to myself that it is possible to feel this way. To feel joy, excitement, anticipation, with diminishing anxiety and stress. Even if it's only for a little while.

To future Kanksha, better days will come and go. Just live this life doing what you want, keep communicating what you want honestly to everyone, and do atleast one thing that makes you smile everyday. 

To whoever is reading this, I wish you these kind of days more than the other kind <3 

Love,

Kanksha

I don't think

I don't think I have ever repeatedly cried 

At reading the same words 

Again and again

But today I did. 

I don't think I felt a loss 

In the middle of so much excitement

And looking forward

But today I did. 

I don't think I have missed someone 

Ever so painfully

Without them being in my reach 

But today I did.

I don't think 

I love 

I care 

I cry.

Being smooth

I am trying to understand the art of being smooth. What is being smooth? I think it's when someone makes you feel good about something intentionally, but the way they do that seems effortless. Words just flow out, and they are often a mix of sweet and playful. 

What effort or thought goes into this? And how do people do it with seemingly zero effort or thought? 

I think the first skill is exaggeration. Not to an unreasonable amount where it feels completely untrue, but just enough. A little more than what is due. For instance, when someone sends you new music and perhaps 5 songs that they like, a response could be "Thank you, I'm going to be listening to this all afternoon!". You're not going to be listening all afternoon really, because it's 25 minutes tops, but that sentence acknowledges the effort put behind sending multiple songs really well. Just a little exaggeration, enough to keep it genuine. 😊

The second skill is having a playful tone. Sometimes you don't want to sound serious. But you want to communicate something to someone. Like when you want to drop the phone with a friend let's say. And one way to do that is, "Ab tu mere dil mein rahegi, phone pe nahi" (you will now be in my heart, and not on the phone). And that is just so much nicer to hear than "I'm sorry but I've got to go." It's exaggerated but not untrue, and coupled with that smile and tone, communicates what you want but in a really nice way. ☀️

I'm not sure how to talk this way. I don't know how to exaggerate but still remain genuine. But I want to learn. 

Love,

Kanksha 

thoughts before a meeting sitting on the couch

I look around me. My mattress is in my friends' living room. My makeshift closet in the space dedicated for their washing machine. My bags are parked at the far end of their corridor to not bother anyway. And a corner next to my mattress holds random items for regular use that can be picked up easily when required. Like my personal laptop. Or a bunch of chargers and a book to read. 

This isn't where I imagined myself to be a year ago. Definitely not two years ago. It's not out of need, it is out of choice. And I don't have my own space really, but there's so much comfort because I am not lonely. I am coming home to a house that is not empty. And that's something I hope I don't take for granted again.

Living alone, completely alone, teaches you about silence and how terrifying it can be. It teaches you how walking from the parking lot to your home at night makes you wish you had a knife and the skills to use it. It makes things like grocery shopping fun because you go outside and meet the world. Having your own space, and only your own, urges you to get out of it as much as possible. 

And sometimes, it's not silent, but quiet. You can put music on the speakers, sip some tea, look out of your window and watch the hummingbird build its nest, branch by branch. The same situation. The same locality and environment. But a different headspace brings out a different feeling. Of calm, instead of feeling trapped in a hole where digging only makes you sink further.

I recently read about how our brain is really stupid. It convinces us and finds reasons to believe what we want to believe. 

So let's all choose to believe in all the good things. About ourselves. And also about others. And watch our brain convince us of its truth.

Love,

Kanksha 

thoughts on a flight in no order whatsoever

Conflicting thoughts. When you care so deeply and want something, but you also know that you really don’t. How do you work through them. How do you stay true to what you want when you want different things? How do you define when you are done, when it is enough? 

I love how wearing headphones provides a different experience. Different sounds in each ear. 

They have shut the lights now and I can still type because I really know the keyboard of a computer now. I can look at the words I am typing and type. I use only one finger to type from each hand and that is pretty weird when I think about it. At least my left hand uses only one finger. I am currently trying to expand my right hand’s typing but that’s not going super well. 

I get waves of gratefulness towards my friends. And then I don't for a certain period and feel judged. 

Why is it like that? Things take time. They happen slowly. You have got to keep putting in the effort. 

I really need to have faith. 

Sometimes the best thing you could do for someone is ask them what they did well and remind them of reasons they should be proud of themselves when they are having a hard time. Ask them where they found the strength, how they persevered. It will go a long way and remind them of mechanisms and ways to continue pulling through. 

How much do you try. How high can you go. 

Sometimes it feels like I should really pick a problem and then devote my life to solving it because how else can I make my life meaningful. When I read about a bunch of scientists, and their contributions, and how they must have felt, and how things were misused, and the brutality of war, but also it’s ability to fast-track innovation, it scares me. We as a race are such loyal people, we work on faith and trust, yet somehow we have countries fighting against each other. What is this hunger for power? There is so much pain behind the invention of a deep blue. And green. And red. All good things in this world have come at a cost. 

I really want to be able to play and enjoy an instrument. I want to, as my friend calls it, “look like a snack”. That was such funny language. I want to write a lot more often. I need better boundaries with my work. I am a loyal person. It is very hard for me to let go. I am learning. 

These are my thoughts. My thoughts are currently very much in the future. I love how sitting in a plane makes me sit with my thoughts. I am compelled to unravel them and listen to myself. And that’s also partly why travel has been so therapeutic. I finally listen. I finally calm down. 

I think I should have a day, where I just sit or sleep and do nothing. Absolutely nothing. I wonder how that would feel. Being in the US, we have all been spoiled. I mean we complain about life admin and chores and being away from home – but we are also completely independent and have a taste of freedom that our Indian counterparts probably never have until they are much older with lot more responsibility. We live in beautiful breathtaking places, or are at least close enough to them, like an hour’s drive away. How lucky to live like that. 

And then while we don’t have our family around and can feel very lonely, we have the choice and space to create our own family from friends. Places where family would have been there and lent a hand, are now replaced by friends, and that creates completely different kind of bonds. Living at home never gives you that chance. It also doesn’t give you the chance to discover yourself, or rather I should say discovering yourself at home takes a lot of courage and guts. You understand your likes and dislikes. Your choices. Your opinions. So much to figure out. 

I love coincidences. How do they work man. Baffled. Like things were meant to happen. But they really aren’t – says the rational part of my brain. The chances were slim, but also your response to a chance meeting is what makes a chance meeting worthwhile. 

My laptop has 1 hour remaining with this amount of use. I really wish I had charged it. The baby next to me has now quietened down. I wonder why he was crying so much. I used to struggle writing chapters of 1500 or 3000 words I think. But it really isn’t difficult when you have so much to say. The words just flow. I don’t know what flow state is, but I think for me it is where things fall into place effortlessly one after another. I feel in flow when I write without actively thinking. I feel great when I solve a bug, or when I raise code reviews rapidly, or code just works the first time after I have written it. I am really good at what I do. I need to start being more confident. I need to start talking to more new people. Expand my social energy again. Give people more of a chance.

Does any of this strike a chord?

Love,
Kanksha

upset

Funny how the upset has two positive words embedded. Up, and set. The last year has had it's ups and downs, and things have been set and undone, yet I have not been able to find a better way of dealing with upset. There are really only a handful of options. 

1. Suppress how you feel
   
   Most people who study the human brain agree that this is a bad idea. You are only going to feel worse, and one day, this feeling will transition into an outburst about possibly something else, and you won't even know why something so small or stupid is affecting you to such great lengths. I don't know of any studies, but I am pretty sure you should find some backing to my claim that this is a bad idea. 
   
   
2. Let it go 
   
   What does this really consist of? If you just try to make yourself not feel the emotion, it's as good as suppressing it. I guess letting something go involves accepting your reality, and then deciding to not take any action. Most often, you decide inaction is the best course of action since things are not in your control. So I would probably rephrase letting something go as choosing to do nothing about something that upset you. And since it is a choice, even when it's a choice to do nothing, one probably feels a little better about it. 
   
   
3.  Communicate that you are upset 
   
   Communicating the feeling of being upset is quite tricky - it either makes you feel relief, or even more upset. And when you feel more upset, it is even more frustrating, because now not only are you upset for the original reasons, you're also upset because the knowledge of you being upset made no difference, and you were vulnerable for no reason. 

I think I typically try to let things go - my definition of choosing to not take action - and then eventually choose to communicate irrespective of whether things are in my control or not. 

And sometimes that gets messier in my head than I like to admit. Should I have chosen something else? What if I would have chosen inaction just one more time? Would my brain be in a better space? Would things have eventually worked out? No one will ever know.

Sometimes consistently doing what you want also leads you to think about what ifs, and there isn't much you can do about that but wonder.

Love,
Kanksha

mixed feelings

Disclaimer: this post is confusing, has no direction, and about many feelings I may or may not be feeling today. 

I think the most insane or weird part of being a human being is having contradictory feelings at the same time. Or multiple conflicting feelings at once. 

Like for instance, heartbreak makes you feel empty, yet the support of people who care for you around you makes you feel loved. You feel that life is unfair, yet grateful for all that you have. You feel relieved, and that alternates with devastation and helplessness, especially death post tremendous suffering. 

I am able to be in the moment when I see a beautiful bird, and also wonder when I will ever see it again. There is appreciation and wonder for the stunning sunset, as well as nostalgia of it as it is ongoing. I am happy I have found someone to love, but I am also mourning my single life. 

I think a few years ago, I had written about how every beginning is an ending, and every ending is a beginning as well. Similarly, I'm realizing that the introduction of a new emotion, is just the end of another one. And emotions are not independent, you generally feel the ones entering and leaving at the same time. 

And I guess that's how I have faith that whatever I am feeling today will eventually leave. And another emotion (or many emotions) will take it's place. And this cycle will repeat. 

What I am also realizing though, is that how I feel about emotions is also changing with time. I felt bored recently after very long, and it felt great. As a child though, being bored was frequent, and well, boring. Then one night, I went from happy to fully energetic, to anxious, to sad and guilty, to confused, and neutral. This felt frustrating, but after more nights like this, it began to feel annoying. Most nights though, I am exhausted and fall asleep. The same song makes me feel different things. The same place makes me feel the same thing. Repetition has different effects and they are unpredictable.

As I grow older, emotions and feelings become more and more complicated. What feels like home? How can home be a place when I've lived and felt safe in multiple of them? How can home be where the people are, when people are all around the world? I'm not sure. My idea of home once upon a time was how I felt like when I was at home in college, when I met my friends every week, when my entire family lived in my house, and when I was discovering life and myself. But I'm never getting that home back. Will anything be able to take it's place? 

I'm also struggling with feeling calm? People make me feel calm. And places do too. But how do I relax irrespective of the place or people? What do I mean by feeling calm? A lower heart rate? Not having so many thoughts and overthinking inconsequential stuff? 

I wish I could stop overthinking. 

But if I could I wouldn't be writing this at 4:39am. 

Lots of love, 

Goodnight :)

dream big and small

It's really weird how once people get out of a relationship, it becomes much easier identifying what brings them joy. That's probably why people are pushed to "find themselves" before they find someone to spend their life with.

Getting to know yourself is a process. 

There are certain very basic things, which almost everyone I know begins doing in their mid twenties. Suddenly being healthy and fit becomes a priority. You start having more protein and becomes conscious about the nutrition in your diet. You either begin going to the gym, or find other ways to remain active and feel alive. People start caring a little more about how they look. Skin care routines and self care weekends filled with face masks and long baths become normal. 

Your mid twenties are when you are hopefully making decent money, but likely not half as much as what you wish to be. So it's a tug of war of your interests. Do I travel, or do I save up for that car? You start realizing how much money living the life your parents led requires. With the amount of awareness today, every life decision ends up being extremely difficult for people who think a lot and make excel sheets to weigh the pros and cons. 

You explore other interests more aggressively. Because suddenly life begins to feel much shorter. You're done with 33% of the good part of your life. Maybe even 50% if you are unlucky. What is the meaning? What is the purpose? Is it worth struggling so much to be above average if you can be mediocre and happy? 

You stop feeling young, and while this sounds similar to life feeling shorter, it's a completely different feeling. Because you don't know the new music anymore. And the "in" fashion trends are no longer interesting. You're prioritizing your comfort - screw the heels and screw moving your house when you can hire movers. 

But it's not all a struggle. You start buying non birthday cake and sometimes your friends do that for you too. You go out for a drive in the middle of the day just because you can. You drink tea 5 times a day. And rearrange the furniture of your house regularly. You decide when you sleep and when you wake up. You decide how late you want to text your friends until, even though you have a flight in the morning. So much agency, so much freedom to choose for yourself.

I feel like there's so much of being an adult that we don't enjoy, just because we have forgotten what it was like to be a child - when there were so many things that not being an adult was stopping us from doing. We have great power, we have great responsibility, but we forget that with them also comes GREAT POTENTIAL TO HAVE FUN.

I really wish everyone - in their mid twenties or not - starts prioritizing fun in their life. For most people, their family, friends, or job is what their life revolves around. But your job will let you go when you're not their priority. Your family may be taken away from this world. Your friends will soon have their family to take care of first. What do you do when you lose what you most care about? When your passions and goals or everything you wish for is not within your reach?

I won't pretend to have an answer. But I was thinking about how most of us dream big. And that is great, and we must keep working towards those dreams. But it is also important to dream small. And make those small dreams consistently come true. 

I believe those small dreams will keep life magical. :)

Love,

Kanksha